There's a Big Problem With Ronda Rousey's Sex Advice

American mixed martial artist Ronda Rousey arrives at the ESPY Awards at the Microsoft Theater on Wednesday, July 15, 2015, i
American mixed martial artist Ronda Rousey arrives at the ESPY Awards at the Microsoft Theater on Wednesday, July 15, 2015, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP)

Just when it seems like things are on the upswing for female sexuality, Ronda Rousey comes in and KOs things.

So many famous women out there, from Amy Schumer to Nicki Minaj to Amy Poehler to Beyonce, are all telling women to advocate for their orgasms. And then this happens.

Here's the excerpt from Maxim:

Dear Ronda: What should a guy NEVER do in bed? What should a guy ALWAYS do in bed? (Asking for a friend.)
- Jack, 36, Los Angeles

For what you should never do: Don't bite my teeth! If my teeth are repeatedly hitting your teeth, then there's a problem with what you're doing. That freaks me out. I don't like it. It's terrible. I have a thing about my teeth. Even though I do a sport where I get punched in the face for a living, if your teeth hit my teeth more than a few times, I'm over it already. What should a guy always do? Take his time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, than [sic] you're being lazy...and you're not taking your time.

I guess you'd call it lube-shaming. But whatever you call it, it's awful. Lube is good. Lube is helpful. Lube is necessary. I wouldn't recommend anyone have anal sex without it. It's a major help when it comes to fisting. It's great for use with toys. It's a lifesaver for women with vaginal dryness due to meds they're taking, menopause, or any number of other things. And it's primo for when you want to have sex over and over and over. Even the wettest girls in the world should welcome lube into their lives.

I'd like to say her comment is coming from a good place -- women need to be lubricated before they are penetrated or it can be INCREDIBLY uncomfortable, and a good partner will participate in whatever it takes to get a woman naturally lubricated. But that is NO reason to call lube users lazy. Great sex generally requires that things are nice and wet. And for some activities, like anal sex and fisting and penetration, the wetter the better.

That's what lube is for. That's lube's entire purpose here on Earth. It is here solely to make sex feel even better for anyone who bothers to pop the top and apply generously. There are a zillion kinds out there just waiting to serve you, from flavored to tingly to basic as can be.

But what upsets me the most about this is that it is shaming and that it invalidates people's sexual experiences. Needing lube doesn't make you lazy. Choosing lube doesn't make you lazy. In fact, to my mind, lube is the sign of a generous partner. It means he or she wants you to have the best possible experience, which lube is at the ready to provide.

We have to stop. We have to stop shaming people for their preferences and interests and needs and desires. The only "must" when it comes to sex is that it must only take place between enthusiastically consenting adults. Beyond that, the world is your oyster. There's a whole menu out there, from penetrative sex to oral sex to medical play to tickling to role-playing to making use of toys and props. We have to stop limiting ourselves and each other. It's all sex. It's all good. And it's all up to you and who you play with. No one has the right to shame your game.

So Ronda might be the best in the land when it comes to fighting in the ring. But I hope she'll think twice before giving sex advice again.

We have to start supporting people and their choices, and creating an open forum around all things sex. There is nothing wrong with sex. There is nothing wrong with you. And there is nothing wrong with using lube.

So get out there and lube up!

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