As seen on The Red Shtick.
Reaffirming previous comments in which he called NATO “very obsolete,” Donald Trump said he wants to replace the 67-year-old organization with a rewards program similar to one offered at his casinos.
If the president-elect has his way, the Cold War-era alliance designed to protect the U.S. and its allies — some of which Trump claimed have not paid their share of NATO dues — would be supplanted with the Trump One Rewards Loyalty Protection Program, according to a press release posted to Trump’s transition website GreatAgain.gov.
Under Trump’s plan, current NATO nations would be able to earn various levels of American responsiveness to possible attacks against them, depending on how much they “participate in” (i.e., pay into) the program.
Members of the Trump One Rewards Loyalty Protection Program, the release explains, could earn “tier credits” by importing overpriced American-made products, making high-interest payments on loans from the U.S., buying Trump-brand goods, or just simply giving Trump cash. The amount of tier credits accrued in a calendar year would determine a country’s “tier level” and the commensurate level of benefits it could receive from a Trump-led U.S.
For instance, in the event of an attack, nations at the lowest (“Trump One”) level in the program would qualify for a free buffet of thoughts and prayers. Trump One members also would enjoy free self-parking at Trump Tower.
“Executive”-level member countries additionally would receive a 15% discount on arms (excluding nuclear weapons), “exclusive discounts for military advisors,” and the ability to earn “comp commandos.”
Nations that achieve “Chairman” status also would qualify for special special ops offers (aka “Greenbacks for Green Berets”), invitations to exclusive members-only summits and briefings, preferred seating at the United Nations, and a free missile package upgrade.
Additionally, a country achieving the program’s highest (“Signature”) level would get “exclusive rates for infantry and air defense forces,” a complimentary airstrike, free use of an aircraft carrier group for a week, and a 500 tier-credit bonus on that nation’s Trump One Rewards Loyalty membership anniversary.
All participants at all levels would regularly receive “generous offers via mail or email.”
Trump’s proposal to replace NATO comes just days after he reportedly assured President Barack Obama during a White House visit last week that he was committed to the Brussels-based treaty organization.
“Of course I told Obama I’d support NATO,” Trump explained. “We were in the same room together. That’s what makes me such a great negotiator. I always tell people in my presence what they want to hear if it’ll get me what I want. In this case, I wanted a free tour of the White House. And I got it.”
Follow Jeremy White on Twitter: @comicref