Twinkle, Twinkle Little Bat -- I'm Not a F*cking Twink


Originally published on Trend Magazine

Everywhere I go, there is always some smart ass queen  --  or straight person who wants to get cheeky -- that likes to drop the name 'twink' on me. And although it was funny the first couple times, it's really fucking irritating to hear. Especially from people not in the community who know nothing of the word or its meaning. And what is that meaning exactly? A twink is generally a young, small-built, effeminate and hairless gay man. You usually see these gays wandering around the clubs with tank tops, skinny jeans, eyebrows on fleek and in a pack of what would otherwise be known as clones. They listen to Beyonce, Taylor Swift (sorry Swifties), are little Monsters and spill T about what's happening on RuPaul's Drag Race. I am not that.

There is nothing to be ashamed of if you are a twink. As a matter of fact, I encourage all the twinky-ness that happens, it makes the old gays happy. But when it comes to how I identify it is important to note several things, and these things are the seven ways I am most certainly NOT A TWINK.

1. Don't Trim the Hedges
I am too hairy to be a twink. While twinks are busy shaving their arms, legs, pitts, chests, pubes and asses, I am  --  generally  --  letting it be. I clean up from time to time, if you know what I mean, but for me body hair is nice. I Also don't care for the whole eyebrow grooming. I don't have a unibrow so I don't need to worry about them. In that respect I am what gays call an Otter. I am slim, hairy and fun-loving.

2. You Can Dance if You Want to  --  or Not
Clubbing is not for me. I am more of a "sits at a dive bar talking to weird old people with more important things to talk about then why that ho, Adore Delano, looks so haggard" kind of gay. Please don't get me wrong, clubs can be fun when you're piss drunk and you don't care that you have two left feet, but it's not my scene. Twinks on the other hand are club hoppers; they get there in herds and drink Adios Mother Fuckers all night, casually tossing shade at anyone who doesn't fit their clique. I am usually the one who gets the stares because well, I am not one of them.

3. Gucci, Gucci, Louis, Louis
Twinks can usually be seen wearing designer everything, from their shoes to their fitted caps, to their gaudy Forever 21 faux gold rings. They spend several hours perfecting the flip of their hair or placing the perfect layer of concealer on their faces so that the flash doesn't make them look bad when they use their selfie stick. Now I do have my moments when I want nicer clothes, and I have been known to take selfies  --  but I don't go out of my way to make a perfect presentation out of nothing. I am not big on designer brands, make up is reserved for Judy Vicious and the idea of a selfie stick sickens me. Again, if you're into all the more power to you, but I am not.

4. I've Got Friends in Low Places
Like so many other stereotypes  --  because this whole article is based on one  --  twinks like to stay among their own. They are like a flock of flamingos, nearly identical to one another and loud as can be. Their friendships however are unique from group to group and are based on different things. I knew a group of twinks who were all ex lovers, and another group that hated the same person (me). They are also very selective of the people they associate with. They can be very closed off and catty. I tend to make friends with most people, am absolutely not a clone or carbon copy of any of my friends and I am also open to anyone joining my circle.

5. Shake It Off
Music is important in most peoples lives, and the types we listen to are usually in sync with our friends. I for example, love grunge, punk, rockabilly and folk. Twinks like Pop, that's it. Literally they are always popping to Beyonce, shaking it off with Tay-Tay or twerkin' with Miley  --  what's good? I don't. They do also praise Lana Del Rey, who I do adore, but that's it.

6. Vanilla
Where twinks are rather vanilla in the bedroom, it is well known that I am not. I love leather, S&M and Sex & Hot Dogs. I am very open to many different sexual situations and combinations and won't shy away from something safe and new. I love leather bars and the crowds that congregate there. Twinks don't. I tried to take a buddy of mine to the Eagle L.A. once, he was a twink, and as expected he hated it. According to him, it was full of "old, hairy, fat men that were past their expiration date." That attitude is shared and why the leather crowd doesn't generally mix with the twink crowd.

7. Mr. Mr.  --  Kinda
And the biggest, most important reason why I am not a twink? Twinks are young, hairless, skinny, gay MEN. I am not. When it comes to gender there is a lot people don't understand, especially when gender is non-conforming.

Quick lesson: Sex and gender are two different things. Sex is the physical/biological part, the genitals. Gender is a mental construct, what your brain identifies as. Although I am biologically male and am comfortable with my sex and attraction to men, my gender is non-binary. Hard to explain because people who are non-binary have a unique perspective on their gender, it just means I don't fit into the male or female gender.

I don't expect anyone to understand, my gender is my own and I still don't fully understand it. But I am learning. I am not a twink because it does not fit my gender identity. Otter on the other hand, is not specific to cis-men. There are transmen who are otters, and they are sexy as all hell. But I have yet to meet a non-cis person who is also a Twink.

Most of this is my view of the world, but I think you will find a bulk of the community will share my point of view. If you have an issue, disagree, want to know more about non-binary people or just want to bitch me out because I called out the THOTs write a response. All Tea, no Shade.