I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day, probably because I have a serious disdain for clichés, something I fell victim to one particular year. I had just come out of a meeting and saw a delivery man with red roses at the front desk and before I knew it, the bubbly temp sporting a smile ear to ear, said, "Oh, Michael, these are for you." I wanted to kill her and the random man walking over to me with said roses adorned with baby's breath. To make matters worse, they were from 1-800-Flowers. And although all the girls and gays in the office thought it was the sweetest thing ever (probably because they didn't know better), I was annoyed and upset. Red roses, really? You bought these online and didn't even go to a florist to hand pick them? That's the best you can do, boo? I wonder if he knew they looked a day old and if he ever listened when I said roses should only be white. While I don't want to throw him (a very tiny remote piece of me appreciated the gesture) or this holiday under the bus in their entirety, there is a way to abide by clichés, Just put your own spin on it. Here's six ways to avoid the pitfalls of a pedestrian Valentines Day:
Red roses? Not so much
Every time I see a red rose I think of The Bachelor and the desperation of those crazy bitches jockeying for a marriage proposal. If that isn't enough to suck the life out of a rose, then maybe running with the sheep will help change your mind. Everyone sends red roses. Instead, run with the bulls and send an orchid. You can't go wrong when it comes to these plants -- not only are they gorgeous, sexy and cool (not to mention the same price as jacked-up roses) but they last and will have that someone thinking about you way past Valentine's Day.
Table for two? Are you kidding?
There is no reason on planet Earth to go out to dinner on Valentine's Day. Not only is the service usually nothing short of a disaster because the place is jammed but yikes, talk about a lack of intimacy, which is what this holiday is all about. This is the night of the year where you should stay in and cook a great dinner (together), order in Chinese, sushi or anything else from your favorite delivery place. There is no way you can go wrong with that. Skip formalities and lounge around the coffee table and sofa watching a great chick flick with a happy ending (err, that works too).
Rose petal bath?
Of all the things to do with your hands on Valentine's Day, why would you pull the petals off a rose and when does one have the time to pick apart said pedals -- on their way home for work? It's also too damn hard to get the bath water at the perfect temperature and unless you have a really big tub, fitting a party of two isn't that easy. Instead, kill the bathroom lights, get some candles going and turn up the erotica in the shower.
Chocolate means calories
The last thing I want to give someone is the gift of calories. Not only is chocolate fattening, but those $9.99 boxes of chocolates with that annoying guide to which piece has caramel or nougat are dreadful. Plus, do you really like seeing someone eat chocolate, especially when it gets stuck to their teeth and gums? Skip this bit altogether (alright a few gummy bears never hurt anyone) and if you must abide by the something sweet cliché, finish your night with some strawberries dipped in whipped cream.
Love notes in cyber space
Love should be protected and worshiped, which means not throwing it around with a post or tweet. I totally get it, people can't wait to change their Facebook status from single to in a relationship, but that doesn't mean you need to spawn love notes on each other's wall and feeds, nor do I think e-cards are cool. Spend a hot minute looking for a card in your drugstore and don't let the card do the writing for you. Composing your thoughts is genuine and carries more weight than anything else on this day.
Don't say "I Love You" unless you mean it
Last year (the same year I got those roses) my friend texted saying her boyfriend finally said "I love you." I knew it wasn't going to last. "I love you" is a term that should be taken seriously and is not easily dispensed because one feels the desperation of what they think someone wants to hear on a contrived holiday. If you love someone, don't say it on the biggest evening of clichés. Say it the night before and you'll probably have a better Valentine's Day.
Did I miss anything? Share with me in the comments section below.