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Flex on your kids by calling your new dinner recipe "Ew Disgusting" before they do.— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) February 24, 2020
My son got a donut from a kid in school who had a birthday and he saved it and brought it home for me and I've always told my three sons that I don't have a favorite but now I think I have to tell them I have a favorite.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 26, 2020
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 24, 2020
Toddler: *tantrum*— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) February 28, 2020
Husband: *gives her chocolate*
Me: How did you know?
Me: What the fuck I am so done with today I feel like shit I hate the kids...
Husband: *gives me chocolate*
8: mommy I want to study pastrami— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 28, 2020
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Our 5yo wrapped a piece of sausage around my finger and called it a “band-aid” so needless to say, he’s my personal physician now.— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) February 28, 2020
4yo: HELP— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) February 28, 2020
Me: are you ok!?
4yo: I'm stuck!
Me, running in: omg
4yo: I can't put my shirt!
Me: those are pants
Taking my toddler to an NHL game tonight. Gonna tell her Elsa made the ice.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 26, 2020
Negotiating with a 3 year old:— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 27, 2020
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Friendly reminder that what you see when you accidentally open your front-facing camera is the same thing your kids see anytime they look up at you.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 26, 2020
My 4yo is in a phase where he refuses to wear jeans because he says they “just aren’t as comfy as my sweatpants” and I have honestly never felt more seen or understood.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) February 27, 2020
Before you have kids, know that I just whispered “fucking QUEEN” after realizing I remembered to reseal the package of cheese slices while packing lunch yesterday— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) February 27, 2020
Good thing I brought this iPad.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 26, 2020
-my kid on a 4 minute car ride.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 26, 2020
I live in Florida and my kids have never seen snow, so I look forward to the day we can take a trip to a place where they can have that experience.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 26, 2020
And if they like it enough, then I'll leave them there.
Tween: Ugh! My hair!— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 26, 2020
Me: Why don’t you put it in a messy bun?
Tween: Because people who put their hair in messy buns have given up.
Me, has my hair in a messy bun: *nods sympathetically*
This morning, the 5 year old ran into our bedroom shirtless, screaming “IM READY TO WRESTLE,” and I’m questioning now why I didn’t just get a goldfish all those years ago.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) February 27, 2020
Child: Can you make me some tea?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 27, 2020
Me: I think you're old enough to make it yourself.
[10 minutes later]
Me [cleaning honey off of every visible surface]: Next time let me do it.
4 year old came home today and announced he has a girlfriend. She’s older, wears glasses and lives close to the school.— Mom Like That Podcast (@momlikethatpod) February 28, 2020
I asked him what her name was. His response: “I don’t know but that’s not important”.
“Moms don’t get sick from raw cookie dough”— Go Ask Your Dad (@_goaskyourdad_) February 28, 2020
-and other lies I tell my kids
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF!— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) February 28, 2020
My kids: so like is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us