Joe Schraufnagel

1965-1971: Elroy, Wis.: At age 5, he’s told his surname means "Strong Nail" in Low German. Later in life he learns that "Schraufnagel" translated from German in fact means "Screw Nail." How can a screw be a nail and vice versa? So many questions.

1971–1984: At age 8, discovers that plagiarizing Tom T. Hall tunes will get one’s poetry published in Cricket magazine. At age 10, he devours "Helter Skelter" while concurrently freaking out to The Beatles’ epic opus The White Album. Severely traumatized, he concedes that perhaps Los Angeles will have to wait until after he graduates from high school. Threats of internment at "military school" never come to fruition. Many lawns are mowed. Seasons change.

1984–1989: Madison, Wis.: College happens. Schraufnagel writes for The Onion in its infancy as a campus coupon rag, many beers are imbibed, heterosexuality doesn’t quite pan out, blah blah blah.

1990–1995: The siren song of grunge-era Seattle proves irresistible: The Stranger, 7 Year Bitch, camping in clogs, earnest attempts at Vogue-ing, rear-ending Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz... The Early '90s: all a blur.

1995-1999: Diagrams and sentences in little rooms alongside Korean girls. Zzzzz.

2000: Rents a U-Haul with the Figure Roller-Skating champion of Maryland and moves to NYC. Secures living arrangements in Brooklyn, roommate later joins TV on the Radio and becomes unimpeachably cool forever and ever.

2001: Terrible year. Can’t find words to describe it.

2002-2007: Reinvents self as DJ Satisfaction Pony, spins at various East Village/LES establishments. Has one line on an episode of Absolutely Fabulous: “Ma’am, your bags."

2007-2009: Chicago. Cold. Windy.

2009-2011: Los Angeles, at last. Has heat stroke and dysfunctional relationship with hiking. Realizes that Laurel Canyon Boulevard/Lookout Mountain is not pedestrian-friendly. Finds nice guy to date. Distributes thoughtfully assembled weekly playlist. Continues to obsess over T. Rex.