The adult toy and pornography industry makes billions of dollars each year. With that being said, I had to go into an adult toy store to do some research for a piece I'm writing called, "My vibrator broke and I need a new one." It is a piece I'm obviously writing for a friend.
If you have never been in an adult toy store you should go. My advice would be to drive about an hour from where you live, to avoid running into local perverts. Spend some time checking out the merchandise and shop until you drop. Here is what a first time customer might say as they are perusing the aisles.
20 Things "Someone" Might Say The First Time They Go To An Adult Toy Store
1. What if we see someone we know?
2. I think the cashier is looking at me.
3. Oh my god, what is that for?
4. Can I have that?
5. You put it where?
6. Are you serious? Stop it, you're serious?
7. Why does that light up?
8. Is this safe?
9. I don't think you should put that in your mouth.
10. Are you sure you put that in there?
11. Batteries are very expensive.
12. What happens if it falls out?
13. Why do you want to swing from the ceiling? That doesn't seem safe. I am not sure that my homeowners policy would cover that.
14. I think I will pass on anything that clamps, I have sensitive skin.
15. This costs how much?
16. Why are there diamonds on it? You know where I'm gonna put it, right? I don't need diamonds in there.
17. Why does it need to be waterproof? Are we planning on swimming?
18. Jelly gives me heartburn. I don't think I want pineapple flavored heartburn.
19. Why do you want to be blindfolded and handcuffed? I don't like being THAT surprised.
20. No refunds or exchanges. PEOPLE TRY TO RETURN THIS STUFF?!?!?!
Remember to relax and have fun. Everyone in the store is doing the same thing you are doing. No one in there is judging you. Unless you buy the two foot long ding-dong. Even the cashier will judge you if you do that. Medical science will judge you if you do that. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of being in a store, I have heard that the porn industry also has a huge internet presence.
Meredith is a work-from-home mother of three who writes about the inappropriate side of marriage and motherhood on her blog at That's Inappropriate. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.