FBI Refuses to Put Republicans on Terrorist Watch, For Now

The Republican Party may have dodged a bullet when the FBI announced it had no plans, "at this time," to put the party on its Terrorist Watch List. But some members are none too happy about the slight.

At least one Republican member of congress expressed outrage at the insult. "Look," said John Boehner, house minority leader, "when eight-year-old Mikey Hicks gets flagged as a possible terrorist it's just plain ridiculous we can't make that list. We've done everything humanly possible to terrorize members of the godless-socialist-fascist-communist Democrat Party and to dehumanize their supporters, including those with alleged illnesses like cancer or Parkinson's."

Denying reports he was miffed over the recent imposition of a 10 percent tax on tanning salons, Boehner listed actions his members have undertaken, or tacitly condoned. "I mean, look at what's been accomplished, dating back to that proud moment when our Joe Wilson proclaimed to the President of the United States, 'You lie!'

"We, or valued members of our base, have shouted 'baby killer' at an abortion foe on the floor of congress; slapped a Hitler mustache on the image of the president; hurled the N-bomb and the F-bomb at Democrat legislators; spat on them; cut a gas line to a home thought to belong to a member of congress; encouraged sympathizers to smash windows of congressional offices; targeted, with cross-hairs, those who voted for health care reform; made obscene, death-threatening phone calls to the offices and private homes of Democrat members; and knocked off another abortion doctor. I mean, what does it take to make that list?"

Asked about his party's success in rallying enraged racists, homophobes, birthers and other conspiracy theorists, Boehner was circumspect. "Listen, I know we can't take credit for all of this. But, we've done our level best to give aid and comfort to this important element of our base. Where's the credit for that?"

But, seriously. Faced with his party's complicity in ignoring, if not stirring up growing vitriol toward the democratic process--a condition that guarantees future tragedies, most likely involving firearms or explosives--Boehner did acknowledge that violence is, um, "unacceptable."

For many Americans, Democrats and Republicans, perhaps even a tea partier or two, that's not enough from the house minority leader. Or any self-respecting U.S. senator. (Listening, Mr. McCain? A decade ago, you would have been the first from your side of the aisle to stand up for dignity, as well as cross-party cooperation.)

I want to see our elected leaders draw a bright line between acceptable, emotional political discourse and the vandalism and violence promoted by the fringe of either party. I'd love to see John Boehner stand tall, take a deep breath and bellow to all those who would debase our national conversation, "Hell No You Can't."