Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
So where's the blog post on how to teach your toddler to blow his nose?— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 25, 2016
I'd pin the crap out of that.
Told the boys they're old enough to settle their own arguments like respectful young men..now they're on our lawn jousting with foam lances.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) May 27, 2016
4: when you were a kid, were the crayons all grey too, or just the TV?— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 26, 2016
The worst part about my kids waking me up super early every day is how my phone is already out of juice by 10AM.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 27, 2016
When you have kids, you get to say things like, "DON'T KILL EACH OTHER!" before leaving them home alone.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 23, 2016
Me: Stop!— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 24, 2016
3yo: [holding marker in front of wall covered in scribble]
Me: What are you doing?
3yo: Writing a group text.
OH GOOD MY TODDLER DISCOVERED BAND AIDS AND NOW THERES 385781726 TINY PIECES OF PAPER EVERYWHERE AND SHE HAS 72648328 BANDAIDS ON HER BODY.— Court (@Discourt) May 25, 2016
Thanks, but if I wanted to sleep in filth, eat poorly-cooked food and be surrounded by loud, wild animals I could just camp in my own home.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 25, 2016
Somehow, our county scheduled the last day of school to be 2 weeks later than most everyone else on my timeline and I'm not sorry.— Angie (@AngieLynchipoo) May 26, 2016
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I'd have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) May 22, 2016
"And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids."— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 26, 2016
-Me, trying to go to the bathroom
I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!— EnvyDaTropic™ (@envydatropic) May 24, 2016
Me to my kids regarding Snapchat
[two of my four kids burst into tears]— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2016
Random lady walking by: Why are you crying, girls?
Me: It's cute that you think there's a reason.
"Summer Vacation" is an oxymoron.— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) May 24, 2016
As an act of parental rebellion, I'm signing all homework with only the illuminati sign for the duration of the school year.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 23, 2016
Haze new parents by asking if their baby is sleeping at night yet- this implies that one day the parent will feel rested again. Hilarious.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) May 25, 2016
I believe the children are our future. And I'm terrified.— Must Be 18 To Meh (@TheAlexNevil) May 24, 2016
"I thought I'd have my shit together by now."— Carbosly (@Carbosly) May 23, 2016
-Me, at 20, 25, 30, 35 and 40.
Tomorrow is my daughter's last day of preschool so if you need me I'll be quietly weeping in the corner clutching a handful of baby socks.— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) May 26, 2016
You haven't lived until you've had to break up a fight to the death over a Happy Meal Toy.— THE Diaper Dad (@DiaperDads) May 26, 2016