With the media focusing on the Senate's failure to expand background checks for guns, I'm focusing on the bright side of this news.
I, for one, am truly relieved that Washington has once again failed to follow the wishes of the American people. I mean, with my sordid past, I would never be able to get a gun under this recently shot down legislation. With a deep enough dive into my life, the government would inevitably come across some of these embarrassingly painful truths -- which would probably disqualify me from gun ownership as well as most other things the Constitution says I can have. Like free speech. And the right to vote if I was a woman.
Let's explore.
8: I used Sun-In for about three summers, which made my normally brown hair the color of fingers after eating Cheetos. This is embarrassing beyond belief and clearly affected my brain function. I can't find any pictures of the years in question, but I'm sure the ATF would have found something to stop me from getting a gun.
7. I posted this picture of myself on the Internet with the caption "Crushing it?" This is obviously the work of a self-absorbed narcissist who can't be trusted with a gun. Or an iPhone.
6. I once wore this for Halloween. They'd probably think I am some sort of a terrorist from the future -- like a dorky Terminator sent back in time to sabotage my own life.
5. They'd come across my first stand-up comedy set on YouTube with a bunch of half-formed jokes -- including one about 9/11 -- which I'm clearly reading from notes. Devastating to my credibility and any background check.
4: The thing is, I wore a puka shell necklace for entirely way too long. Once again, there was no photographic evidence that I could find, but I know it would somehow come up in a database dive and any hope I had for firearms would be out the door.
3. They'd find out that the awesome scar that goes across my head is actually from dunking on a nine foot hoop. And missing the dunk. Eesh.
2. They'd clearly discover this picture I drew of Bo Jackson when I was 10 years old. Note that I wrote "love" and not "from" on the bottom. Disturbing.
1. I once fought an innocent animal. She won, but that's beside the point.
Now, I know everyone else has equally embarrassing skeletons in their closets. But I can only imagine what relics Wayne LaPierre -- and 46 senators -- have hidden away and are afraid of being uncovered. I can't think of any other reasons for them to be holding up this incredibly logical legislation. Please leave any tips in the comments below.