Apparently, According To Trump, All We Have To Do Is Believe

I am free from unpleasant facts, like science, that contradict what my president says.

It’s no secret that I haven’t been the nation’s biggest Trump fan. After all, I wrote a book ― yes, a comic book ― about this Administration before anyone, myself and the Donald included, believed it could ever happen. But last night, the President turned me around.

Now, I can put my hand on my heart and say, “I believe.”

I believe that Republicans can repeal the Republican-passed Budget Control Act, which has, to quote President Trump, sadly depleted our Armed Forces. To quote the president of the conservative Heritage Foundation think tank, “The main enemy facing our military today isn’t a foreign army. It’s a domestic tool known as the Budget Control Act.”

While they are at it, perhaps Republicans will repeal all our foolish drug laws and mandatory minimum sentences, which have put so many young men and women in jail for non-violent (non-) crimes on a par with getting drunk. That way somebody will be available to serve in our shiny new ships and tanks.

I believe we can spend a trillion dollars on infrastructure ― like a wall along our southern border ― and cut taxes for the overworked and overburdened rich. I believe our children will thank us for ending the hubristic practice of our past two Democratic presidents of lowering deficits while increasing prosperity. Hey, Bill and Barack, what kind of confused priorities are those?

I believe we can spend a trillion dollars on infrastructure ― like a wall along our southern border ― and cut taxes for the overworked and overburdened rich.

I believe that we can drive the unemployment rate lower. Already, it has plunged from the 42 percent level Donald Trump told us it had reached during his campaign to 4.8 percent after his inauguration. Let us pause to admire that accomplishment. It took FDR the better part of a decade and a World War to drive the Great Depression jobless rate down from its peak of 25 percent. In less than a month Trump has done that and more. Astonishing.

And yet, under his vigorous leadership, we can do better. If ICE continues to drag Dreamers, moms, and domestic violence victims into its net, new vacancies will pop up. And Customs officials will ensure that these opportunities are not scooped up by overqualified foreign authors, professors, or computer experts. If they don’t get the job done, patriots on patrol in places like Olathe, KS, will.

While they’re at it, those protecting our borders will shut down suspect Americans who travel abroad while trading on their father’s famous names — guys like Eric Trump Muhammad Ali, Jr. Being the son of The Greatest didn’t prevent Customs officials from detaining junior to ask if he’s a Muslim — which, of course, he is, and which of course he has a constitutional right to be. It’s no crime — yet.

So, as much as unemployment has fallen already, I believe a bonanza of job openings on its way. Unless of course all that new government borrowing and spending for wall-building and war-mongering drive up interest rates and bring on a recession. But come on. What are the odds? I believe.

Already, I feel free from all that fake news the mainstream media peddles. Yuck. So depressing.

I believe that together we can find a cure for Obamacare, and at long last put an end to the burden of health insurance. Especially for those who know they don’t need it. After all, choice is the essence of insurance, isn’t it? Why should some perfectly healthy American have to pay for some old coal miner with Black Lung disease?

And if you know you’re way too good a driver to ever have an accident that would run up medical bills in excess of the auto insurance limit — what is it again? $25,000? — then why should you be required to buy health insurance, for Pete’s sake? Come to think of it, what business does the government have requiring us to buy auto insurance if we know we’re good drivers? Whatever happened to freedom?

Yes, freedom. I believe that under this Administration my freedom will just grow and grow. Already, I feel free from all that fake news the mainstream media peddles. Yuck. So depressing. I am free from unpleasant facts, like science, that contradict what my president says. I am free from having to furrow my brow and think about issues. All I have to remember is this one simple thing: I believe.

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