When was the last time you received a compliment? I recently learned about a website dedicated to people who want to thank individuals and companies for their kind deeds and good service: Complimentworld.com. Why didn't I think of that? What a great idea -- a site for people who are happy about the way they've been treated and want to make sure others know about it. It's like a Yelp for happy people.
I like to think that praise is the new politeness. We all need to give and receive more compliments in our lives. Do you take notice when someone offers you praise? Are you gracious about receiving a compliment? Do you routinely thank others for their kindnesses or compliment them on some aspect of their appearance or behavior? If you take the time to "like" a page on Facebook, surely you can take a couple of seconds to offer praise in person.
There is an art to both receiving and giving compliments. Among these expressions of gratitude and praise, there are the good, the bad, and the "I don't think I should have said that." I once stopped a man walking on the street to compliment him on his tie, but he perceived it as flirting. I explained that I wanted to know where he bought the tie so I could purchase one for my husband. As soon as I mentioned the word spouse, he gladly flipped the tie over to show me the label, and I was on my way for some retail therapy.
Just Say It
Some of the best compliments are simple acknowledgments of another person's good qualities: "You're a terrific mother;" "You are so good-natured;" "You're a loyal friend;" "Your work was outstanding;" You're really funny."
Hold That Thought
Then there are the double-edged compliments, which should be avoided: "You look wonderful for your age;" "You're well preserved;" "You have an interesting look;" "You look much different than your photo;" "You look nothing like your sister." (For the record, each of the above has been uttered to me.) There's no point in giving a compliment if you say it in a way that's a put-down. A "half" compliment leaves a person feeling offended, not flattered.
When giving a compliment, speak from the heart and say what you mean but in a way that will make the other person feel good about themselves. A compliment should never be a way of masking hostility or unkindness toward another. Above all, it should be a gesture of simple kindness that will make the other person's day. And when responding to praise or gratitude, don't protest that the other person is wrong or that you don't deserve the compliment. Simply say "thank you," and add something like "How wonderful of you to tell me that," or "It means a lot to me to hear you say that," if you wish.
Go ahead, make someone's day: give a compliment, and remember to be gracious when you are given one yourself.
Lisa Mirza Grotts is a recognized etiquette expert, an on-air contributor, and the author of A Traveler's Passport to Etiquette. She is a former director of protocol for the city and county of San Francisco and the founder and CEO of The AML Group (www.lisagrotts.com), certified etiquette and protocol consultants. Her clients range from Stanford Hospital to Cornell University and Levi Strauss. She has been quoted by Condé Nast Traveler, InStyle magazine, the Los Angeles Times, and the New York Times. To learn more about Lisa, follow her on www.Twitter.com/LisaGrotts and www.Facebook.com/LisaGrotts.