Martha Stewart: I Asked Her Nothing; She Tells Me Everything

She's the Ultimate Homeownah from the Hamlet of Katonah. She puts the CAN in Cantitoe. She's got a greenhouse that's bigger than your entire house, with better lighting and a view of Ralph Lauren's place. She's got a driver named Carlos who's so good with a camera, she sends him to cover local news like the fire at the house next door to hers. She's the Town of Bedford's Homemaking Queen. At 70-something, she's still a model and attracts more interest on her profile than any model one-third her age. She's a dog-loving cat lady. She believes that cleanliness is next to sexiness. Her calendar is packed with more activity in April than my calendar for the 1990s.

She's Martha Stewart. And she's my neighbor. Sort of. I mean, her Cantitoe Corners property is about a 10 minute's drive from my property, which has no name exactly, other than "that house where that crazy beagle runs amok." And therefore, she's on my beat. See, I'm a hyper local news reporter for the Town of Bedford, in which the Hamlet of Katonah is located -- for All About Bedford. Bedford is also where the Bedford Women's Prison's stately grounds are located. Hell, if it were up to me, my publisher would let me cover Martha Stewart all the time and change the name of our publication to "All About Martha Stewart and Also Bedford." Alas, we have local politics, police matters and Family Fun Night to cover, so Martha must sometimes take a backseat.

But not today. Today, the Queen of All Good Things took a quick break from running her multi-media empire, getting the gardens ready for spring, growing her own kale, raising her own chickens, walking her dogs, cuddling with her cats, raising her Friesian horses, practicing yoga, playing with her grandson, enjoying the pizza at the new Inn at Pound Ridge, and talking to the social-media-savvy kids over at Reddit to do a little Q&A with... why, with me of course.*

Me: Well, Martha, it's a "good thing" that you've decided to speak with us. Get it, Martha? See what we did there (winks)?

Martha: (smiles politely) You do realize I invented "It's a good thing" before you were even born.

Me: So, how's it going with your PBS talk-show, Martha Stewart Cooking School?

Martha: Actually, it's a how-to show with entertainment and a live audience -- It's not a talk show. I don't see a couch anywhere.

Me: Ah, so then I suppose Tom Cruise won't be paying a visit?

Martha: I believe I've banned couches from the set.

Me: Well, I'd like to have a talk show. Any advice?

Martha: My top three rules of hosting are: 1. Pay attention to your guests. 2. Interact with them. 3. Feed them fine food and wine.

Me: Ms. Stewart, I don't mean to gush, but I am like the hugest fan of, and so, as a generator of online content, myself, can you give me any pointers?

Martha: Martha, call me Martha; Ms. Stewart is what my former mother-in-law was called in 1972 after she read Gloria Steinem. As for online content, I have two French bulldogs, Franchesca and Sharkey, who have their own blog -- The Daily Wag. And let me just tell you, they are brilliant at it.

Me: Got any exciting projects coming up?

Martha: I have an intrinsic passion to create work that is functional, beautiful and what people are seeking.

Me: Sounds pretty much like the Internet (laughing), eh?

Martha: (deadly serious ) Exactly.

Me: Oh?! Well, I suppose that was bound to happen eventually! So you'll be doing a full renovation renovation of the internet? Or simply redecorating?

Martha: I have to keep my credibility alive with my readers... I'll just make it nicer and nicer. Like my home: It started out like a farm, it got to be a farmette, then it got to be an estatelet. Think: "internetette", or possibly "internetlet".

Me: So, do you have a particular aesthetic in mind ?

Martha: I love the idea of good design accessible to all.

Me: Speaking of accessible, I was positively appalled to hear that Gywneth Paltrow has never invited you to her home. You're always welcome at mine. Wanna come over and let me know what you think of my own design aesthetic?

Martha: I learned many years ago never to criticize, only compliment. Even if one's home is horrifyingly awful.

Me: I heard you were very publicly online dating. How did that come about?

Martha: Without an open-minded mind, you can never be a great success. Also, I'm still a model. And I am not necessarily looking for a serious relationship, as I have alluded.

Me: Any interest in running for president in 2016?

Martha: Sounds like a good idea.

Me: Ever hang out with fellow Bedford-ite, that movie heartthrob, Ryan Reynolds?

Martha: I said you could "ask me almost anything." Next question.

Me: During your Reddit interview, you stated that you don't know what a "dildo" is, yet when it was suggested that you learn about it from your friend, Barbara Walters, you said that you and Barbara "have better things to talk about." How do you know what's better to talk about than dildos if you don't even know what a dildo is? With all due respect, of course.

Me: With all due respect, what's a dildo?

Me: If you were to start a rock band, what would the name be?

Martha: Any Number of Gumbos.

Me: How do you feel about April Fools Day pranks?

MS: I much prefer them when they are actually funny.

*Not really. The quotes are real -- mostly -- and taken totally out of context whenever possible.