Dear Agi,
For the past two years I have been embroiled in an emotionally gut-wrenching divorce after twelve years of married life. Together my husband and I have two young children that I'm sure has made this whole process all the more excruciating. It's been hard enough trying to manage the emotions of our two innocents let alone deal with my overwhelming grief as I watch my family be torn apart. Perhaps my story isn't unique, but it is the only one I can relate to in this moment because I am living it.
I truly felt I would be with my husband until death do us part. That fairy tale shattered upon finding out he had been carrying on a tawdry affair with our babysitter for the past seven years. I felt as though an alien had crawled inside of me and eviscerated my innards, emptying me out and leaving me void of any good emotions. The only emotion left was bone aching, wind chilling pain and despair. The betrayal gave me an unwanted gift of mistrust, I no longer felt I could trust anyone not even myself. Somewhere during the past year a twig of hope crackled inside me and I began to feel my heart hunger for affection. Cautiously, I allowed myself to get involved with a man who had gone through the journey of divorce and tepidly I walked into his life. I poured my guts out onto the floor around us to let him see my vulnerability and beg him for compassion and understanding of my weak state of being. He gently took my broken little heart and caressed it with promises of love, fidelity, honesty and compassion. I fell in love. Who wouldn't?
Six months into our time together and weeks away from finalizing my divorce I discovered my new man has been seeing other women. He didn't deny it. I was brought to my knees again. Why, why, why? I now cry daily. How could this be? What have I done? I'm a fairly attractive woman who is loving and kind and I have always tried to do the right thing in all aspects of my life. Why is this happening to me? What are the odds of lightening striking twice?
I am now at a crossroads and I feel completely paralyzed. At times I feel as though the skin on my body is melting off my bones and even the slightest breeze makes me suffer in excruciating pain.
Agi, how did I get here? What do I do? How can I possibly move forward?
Please help me move again.
Sincerely,
Broken little heart
~
Dear Little Heart,
Let me begin by telling you how very sorry I am that you have had to suffer so much emotional pain. What I know to be true is that the acts of your ex-husband and your current beau have nothing to do with you. Their behavior was imbedded deep inside them long before they ever met you and you just happen to land in the middle of their crossfire. Clearly they both have big issues that need attention and work, and from the sounds of it I'm guessing it is unlikely they will walk the path of healing and repair. You on the other hand have a glorious future ahead of you. How do I know this? Because you have reached out for help knowing that an internal change must occur in order for you to never suffer this way again. People tend to make change when their pain becomes completely unbearable. So bravo to you for making the effort to change your world!
Your daily crying is connected to your inner child who feels scared, lost and abandoned. Let's take a trip down memory lane and try an exercise together...
I want you to remember a time in your life when you were a little girl and you felt abandoned or left out. Visualize the room you were in when you experienced this. Remember the time of day, year, was it raining, sunny? Can you see your surroundings? Maybe you were standing in the living room of your home and you can see the green couch or the orange carpet, the fireplace roaring, etc... Now, take a moment and listen to the conversations going on around you. See the people in the room, are they friends, family, strangers? Grasp the words and the actions that made you feel as you do now; scared, lonely and abandoned. Now, take a breath and freeze everyone in the room except your little self. As your grownup self I want you to enter the room (in your mind) and grab the little girls hand. Look at her and tell her she is not alone anymore and that you are here to help her through this moment. As your grownup self I want you to explain to the child that the words and actions of those in the room have nothing to do with her. Tell her the bad feelings of these people were lingering inside of them long before she was ever born. Ask her what she would want to say to them if they could hear her. Maybe she would tell them that she loves them but she doesn't like how they treat her. As the grownup tell her it's okay to forgive them and wish them peace, but for now she needs to let them go. Its time for both of you to move forward into your new life. Now I want you to visualize yourself giving her a hug. Let her know that the two of you will be together forever and neither of you will ever be alone again. You are both safe and loved.
My friend, I have hopefully just introduced you to your inner self, or inner spirit, as I like to say. Life didn't get complicated as we got older, sadly it probably became complicated when we were too young to understand. You are not a victim of other people's bad behavior. You are a sapient being who deserves to be loved and live life filled with joy. In every situation I would like to see you choose a different point of view. For example, rather than asking;
"Can lightening strike twice?"
I want you to ask your inner self;
"What do you want me to learn from this?"
Believe me, the answer will come. Always be open to the lessons in life but never allow yourself to stay a victim. The choice to change your point of view is yours and yours alone.
Offer yourself grace and compassion during this difficult time and know that this too shall pass. Remember your life is a novel and you are the author. You may not have been able to choose your beginning but you certainly get to choose your middle and ending. I believe you will choose, happily ever after for yourself.
I wish you all the best my friend ~
Agi Smith
If you have a story to share or a question you would like addressed regarding your divorce please email us at: agismith@comcast.net