President Trump said he was "just fooling around" this morning when he placed two pieces of bacon -- a forbidden food in the Muslim religion -- between the pages of the Quran at the annual National Prayer Breakfast. The action instantly provoked a crisis that threatens to plunge the world into Armageddon.
"Everything has to be so fucking P.C." the President told reporters. "Nobody's allowed to have fun anymore. The bacon needed blotting, okay? It was greasy. The Washington Hilton kitchen probably has a Mexican chef."
Video of the desecration, in which the President slammed Islam's holiest book shut on the strips of pork while making snorting pig noises, went viral seconds after he tweeted it, and ISIS leaders instantly issued a statement declaring it an act of war "that will be swiftly and violently avenged." The President responded to this threat forcefully.
"You know who these people are? They're low energy losers who make Jeb Bush look like a human tornado," he said of the terrorist group responsible for tens of thousands of deaths. "They're pussies. I take seriously the threats of people who aren't pussies."
Despite his having offended dozens of nations and brought the U.S. to the brink of war during his first two weeks in office, the latest polls show that the 35% of the electorate that voted for Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton and Marco Rubio almost three months ago continues to support him unwaveringly.
"I just love the way he doesn't take shit from anyone," said Cincinnati bus driver Gregory Johnson. "Obama was a shit-taker. Donald Trump does not take any shit. He gives shit. That's the difference."
"He says what he thinks. It's like he can't help it," Miami waitress Phyllis Alston said. "He's not your typical politician who's gonna hold his tongue just to keep his country from getting nuked. That's why I love him."
The President scoffed at the notion that he had placed in dire peril the citizens he so recently took an oath to protect.
"They have big mouths, these ragheads, huge mouths," Mr. Trump said, forming a large circle with his arms. "But let's see if they can do anything besides grow beards and dance on rooftops. I'm betting they can't."