Following House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy's decision not to run for House Speaker, Republican leaders are hard at work coming up with new ways to look like total incompetent boobs. "I admit we have set the bar pretty high in recent weeks after John Boehner resigning, the Congressional grilling of Cecile Richards, McCarthy quitting the race, John Boehner staying, more threats of a government shutdown, and John Boehner maybe becoming Speaker again," says Congressman/Graveyard Whistler Alan Turlilngman. "Usually we space these things out a bit, but I'm sure we can come up with fresh, exciting ideas to alarm and piss off Americans until the 2016 election and beyond."
Some of these will include blaming the debt ceiling on Benghazi and blaming Benghazi on Planned Parenthood, but the number one priority is supporting Lenny, a largemouth bass from Lake George in Florida, as candidate for Speaker of the House. "Lenny is a completely fresh face--and a freshwater face--who will be the ultimate anti-establishment leader," says Freedom Caucus member Jake Golughtlee. "And what's most important, he has a complete lack of experience, qualifications, or any trace of rational thought that conservatives demand of someone running for office today."