So you're sick and tired of the birthers, those who claim that Obama was born on the planet Zohar and does not meet the Constitution's born in America qualifications for the presidency. Well folks, I propose an entirely new group for you to deal with -- the "deathers." These are folks like Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity who are trying to scare us to death. I'm one guy who doesn't scare easy but I sure don't want to be sent to that big bench in the sky before my time by some health care group run by Nurse Nancy -- a notorious, pot-smoking, San Franciscan, hippie serial killer of the elderly, according to the deathers. Now, I don't believe that President Obama is planning to have such a panel -- he's got a tough, cagey old mother-in-law living in the White House to keep him in his place -- but I worry about Sarah Palin if she should come to power. Let's face it -- Pa-lin...Sta-lin -- connect the dots, America. What more in the way of proof do you need? As Mayor of Wasilla, which spelled backward in Aleutian its Allisaw, which means Death lover or deather, our Sarah would keep a jar on her desk with the names of all the town residents in it. Every day she would pick a name at random from that jar and give them a friendly phone call. "How am I doing?" she would ask or rather "How'm I doin'?" Who knows the fate of those who replied, "You could do a lot better." Never heard from again.
A more important question. Was Svetlana -- sorry, uh, Sarah -- merely training her luminous, brown eyes on Russia from her eagle's nest in Alaska, or was she winking messages in code about secret military installations in Idaho? Okay, so the iron curtain was down and we were pal-sy with Russia when she came of age, but still, you never can tell, can you? Our Sarah was one for purging libraries and state troopers, and where did she learn to do that? Purging is something that only Stalinists and starlets are famous for. She sure didn't learn it in any of the four mystery colleges she attended, traipsing from one to the other spreading Lord Knows what deather propaganda as Miss Congeniality. And consider her hatred for wolves, her gunning them down from a helicopter. There is the well known enmity between vampires and wolves that goes back to the beginning of time. Just consider her favorite author. Yes, she claims to have one in the notable C. S. Lewis. Dead. Consider her favorite president. Calvin Coolidge. Dead. Her favorite athlete. Babe Ruth. Dead. Just investigate her top ten favorites -- all dead. One thing is certain, Sarah Palin did not die in these United States and doesn't that disqualify her for the patriotic vampire vote or a run for the presidency in the future? In this time of Twilight our vampire politicians must prove that their death certificates were made in the USA. I dare her to produce proof of her demise in these United States. Oh, you say she's not dead, that she's a flag waving, snarling, smiling, smearing, winking, blinking truth-avoiding living creature. Prove it! Just prove it! Any woman who names her children as if they were Disney characters in Bambi, a creature with a dead mother, is sending messages to the world -- "I have come back from the dead -- and once I am in power I will eat your young." Or, at the very least, chew up your Social Security.