"The recession has taken a toll on office products retailers such as Staples...as businesses big and small cut buying supplies to contain costs in the recession." -Reuters
To our employees,
As you know, we've had to make some cutbacks in the last few months in order to keep our heads above water. In order to make sure that all of you still have your reduced-hours jobs this time next year, we're introducing a few more cost-cutting measures, including eliminating certain office supplies, at this time. These changes include:
Staples: They may seem like an insignificant cost, but fears about the stability of the dollar mean the cost of durable items, like metals, has skyrocketed, pushing the average price per 1000 staples from $.79 to $.84.
Instead of throwing money away like that, we encourage you to use paper-folding techniques (for a demonstration, please visit Ted in accounting; he's a whiz at origami!) that will make you wonder why you ever used staples in the first place! To that end, we will be collecting office-owned staplers at the end of the week for resale.
Alternately, you're welcome to remove and attempt to reuse staples from documents stapled before this change goes into effect, but the management would like to remind you that blood traces are not acceptable on finished reports.
Pens: One of the most wasteful spending items on our company's bottom line is the cost of disposable pens - you guys go through them by the box!
Which is why we've decided to throw out that 'disposable' mindset and move towards something more lasting, something like nib pens with inkwells. It may take a bit of getting used to (we encourage you to practice on paper you have already recycled), but the amount we'll save each month will make it well worth the effort. Even better, it will be a wonderfully whimsical injection of the past into our modern routine!
Your ink allotment, in your choice of either black or blue, and red inks, will be predetermined, so we encourage dilution to make sure it lasts you.
In unrelated news, there will be a blood drive this Friday and the third Friday of every month until future notice is given, near the printer station. Medical exceptions notwithstanding, participation is required.
Sticky notes: One way we're encouraging both a greener and a less costly environment is to send as many internal memos, even those intended as reminders to oneself, via e-mail.
That said, certain situations still require scratch paper (for a list of these twelve approved situations, check your e-mail). Fortunately, trial and error in the executive offices has led us to discover a tacky substance made up of spit, carpet shavings, and residue left in the bottoms of the..."ink" bottles. This excellent (and cost-saving!) glue can be applied to regular notepaper to "sticky" it up, saving us as much as $.10 per 1000 sheets! Note: this glue may bleed through the paper where applied.
Toilet paper: Starting Tuesday, we will be enforcing a strict 4-squares per bathroom visit toilet-paper usage rule (dispensers will only allow 4-squares at a time; any tampering with them will result in severe disciplinary action).
Again, we welcome you to bring your own supplies from home, but we'd like to let you know that we're also instituting an office-wide newspaper recycling bin from which any employee is welcome to help him or herself come bathroom-break time. Not only will this help reduce our direct toilet-paper costs, it will allow us to eliminate recycling pick-ups, currently costing us $26.50/month!
If you do choose to participate in the recycling program, we request that you use no more than one broadsheet per flush (don't worry about the cost of those - the city pays for toilet water!)
Water Cooler: Speaking of city water, we're removing the water cooler. Bathroom sinks, however, will still function as they have in the past.
Paper clips: see "staples" above.
Postage: For the occasional package we request you use the return-address corner for the intended recipient, and the building's address as the 'recipient' address, to cut down on shipping costs.
For in-city delivery, we're proud to be able to offer our employees a replacement program for our now-retired contributions to gym memberships. If you choose to sign up for this option (all employees are required to sign up for this option), you'll be able to take as much as half-an-hour off each day in order for a "jog" to nearby, or not so nearby, office buildings to which we send correspondence and/or packages. You're welcome to take a longer 'work-out' if you feel it necessary, but you will be required to make up this lost time after 5 PM, without additional pay.
Health Care: Besides the exciting option for health maintenance mentioned above, we're happy to be able to offer a new, revised company health plan. Employees who opt in, at a low monthly cost, will be able to choose their doctor. Choices include Bob in reception and Janet in accounts receivable, both of whom have been trained in first aid and CPR, and have spent extensive time playing "Operation!"
A small fee may be assessed if you choose to opt out of company healthcare at this time.
Friday Donuts: We're still keeping Fridays "fun" around here, but instead of a Friday donut round, we'll be making a Friday donate round.
Donations are, of course, entirely optional, a fact of which your immediate supervisor will undoubtedly remind you when he or she comes by your desk to see whether you feel like giving.
Thanks for your understanding during these tough times. If and when things look up, we'll notify you of the change, via (cost-saving!) word of mouth.