The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― and succinct ― wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
Costco sample lady: We prefer that you only take one.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 30, 2019
Me: *Visibly agitated, dumping a purse full of mini quiche out on the table* But there wasn’t a sign.
me: time to sleep
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 30, 2019
anxiety: time for my one-woman show
Congrats high school grads! Look to your left, look to your right. These are the people you'll be avoiding on Facebook for the rest of your life.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 28, 2019
This cat is the best representation of being a girl at a club and the flower is all the guys pic.twitter.com/lH9rapr97B
— T (@OurLadyYeast) May 24, 2019
Me: Where is the string?
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) May 29, 2019
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section...
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Welcome to your 40s where you now pack your entire medicine cabinet when going on vacation.
— EnvyDaTropic™ (@envydatropic) May 27, 2019
Some of you were allowed to sleep over your friends' houses and it shows
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) May 29, 2019
How did anyone see that “you could eat SIX DOUGHNUTS for that can of soda” infographic and not be like “wow, I can eat way more doughnuts than I had previously been led to believe was wise.”
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) May 28, 2019
Ah yes the 3 types of relationships pic.twitter.com/xljxNFHkBJ
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) May 29, 2019
When you put together an ikea cabinet perfectly on the first try, you can open the door and step across a clear mountain stream into a field of lingonberries
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 30, 2019
I just folded a fitted sheet perfectly. I will be holding a press conference about this tomorrow morning. Please respect my privacy until then.
— roxane gay (@rgay) May 29, 2019
Kids putting their teeth under their pillows is the most occultist shit in the world. Yes, child, put the discarded bone under your pillow. if you are lucky the tiny demon will come and make her purchase. Sell your bones for riches, my child, your youth will be spent soon.
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) May 27, 2019
Sex is great but have you ever used a semicolon perfectly?
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) May 28, 2019
how I imagined my mid-twenties: in a stable relationship, high flying career, weekend sailing trips, neckerchiefs
— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) May 30, 2019
how it really is: i’m in debt and just this week i’ve been in two arguments online about biscuits
My doctor did *not* understand when I called my headache “a spicy boy” and I feel like that’s on her not me.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 28, 2019
people you ain't seen in twenty years love to be annoyed that you don't remember them.
— jeremy bearimy (@crissles) May 25, 2019
The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) May 30, 2019
when recipes tell you to keep some pasta water its so you can slowly sip it with your meal
— Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) May 30, 2019
I've been on Twitter long enough to realize there's a whole group of us who are happiest when everyone else has gone to bed.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 29, 2019
A face mask line, but marketed based on whichever emotion you’re trying to ignore with skincare rather than work through
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) May 27, 2019
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.