The Ben Carson Show

A television sitcom about a zany black brain surgeon and his lovable family. Tonight's episode: "Family Discussions."

BEN CARSON (walking in the front door): Honey, I'm home!

CLAIR CARSON: How was your day, dear?

BEN (slumping in his easy chair): I'm exhausted! Twenty-two hours separating conjoined twins! I just want to put on a comfortable sweater and take a nap.

CLAIR: Don't get too comfy, dear. The children want to discuss some things with you.

BEN (warily): Oh, what sort of things?

CLAIR: I'll let them tell you themselves. Denise!

Denise, the Carsons' teenage daughter, enters from another room.

DENISE: Hi, Daddy!

BEN: Hi, pumpkin! What have you been up to?

DENISE (shyly): I've got a new boyfriend, Daddy.

BEN: Oh, what's his name?

DENISE: Ahmed.

BEN: Ahmed? What kind of name is that?

DENISE: He's really smart, Daddy! He's a member of the science club! He even made his own digital clock and brought it to school! Some stupid people thought it was a bomb, but they're just ignorant!

BEN (sternly): Denise, what have I told you about dating Muslims? Until he renounces Sharia law and accepts American values, there will be no dating Muslims in this household!

Canned laughter.

DENISE: I hate you, Daddy!

Denise runs out of the room crying hysterically.

BEN: Clair!

CLAIR: Don't look at me! She's your daughter.

BEN (shrugging): I'll talk to her later, once she's had a chance to calm down, maybe give her a few Quaaludes. Now I'm going to take a nap.

CLAIR: No naptime yet. Theo wants to talk to you too. Theo!

Theo, the Carsons' teenage son, enters from another room.

THEO: Hi, pops!

BEN (suspiciously): You're not dating a Muslim too, are you?

THEO: No, nothing like that.

BEN (relaxing): Thank goodness!

THEO: I'm gay.

Ben does a spit take, which is challenging since he doesn't have a drink.

BEN: You're not gay! Being homosexual is a choice, not something you're born with. That's why some people go into prison straight and come out gay.

Canned laughter.

THEO: But I've been attracted to people of my own gender ever since I was a little boy! All I can think about is some dude's junk!

BEN: You're not gay! You're just confused! No son of mine is going to wind up being a hairdresser! And that's final!

THEO: I hate you!

Theo runs out of the room crying hysterically.

BEN: Clair!

CLAIR: Don't look at me, he's your son.

BEN (shrugging): I'll talk to him later, once he's had a chance to calm down, maybe give him a few Quaaludes too. Now I'm going to take that nap.

CLAIR: Still no naptime. Rudy wants to talk to you too. Rudy!

Rudy, the Carsons' youngest child, enters from another room carrying a gun.

BEN: Rudy! What are you doing with that gun? Put that down before you hurt someone!

RUDY: Just exercising my Second Amendment rights to open carry, Daddy! It's a Glock -- isn't it neat?

BEN: You're too young to open carry! The Second Amendment is one thing, but you're five years old!

Canned laughter.

RUDY (pointing gun at Ben): You'll take my gun away from me when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!

Canned laughter.

BEN: Don't point that thing at me! Point it at someone else -- like your Mom!

CLAIR: Don't point at me, she's your daughter.

Clair runs out of the room laughing hysterically.

BEN: Rudy, be reasonable, you don't need a gun.

RUDY: That's not true. If the Jews had guns in Nazi Germany, they could have stopped the Holocaust!

Canned laugher.

BEN: That's just hyperbole! The Jews were a tiny fraction of the population of Nazi Germany. If every Jew had a machine gun, they still would have been exterminated by the Wehrmacht and the SS.

RUDY: That's not what you said before!

BEN (pleading): Look, honey, sometimes people say things in the heat of a campaign that they don't really mean or haven't thought through. It's politics, that's all it is, baby, it's politics!

RUDY: I don't believe you!

Rudy aims gun at Ben.

BEN: Clair! Denise! Theo! Rush her! Rush her! She can't shoot us all!

Nobody comes to Ben's defense. Canned laughter.

RUDY: This is for Umpqua Community College!

Rudy pulls the trigger. Ben awakes with a start; he had fallen asleep in his easy chair in front of the TV. He is alone.

BEN: What a terrible dream! What could it possibly mean? Ah, well, time to get ready for the next debate. I wonder what crazy thing Donald Trump is going to say this time around.