First of all, why can’t I figure out how to work my Nest? Is a thermostat really that complicated? Or am I just overthinking it. This whole Smart Home business is for the birds… who are more comfortable than I am, by the way, because I can’t seem to get my indoor temperature controlled.
Fitted sheets. Type A-ers, you know what I’m talking about. These are going to be the death of us, amIright? I can’t for the life of me fold these into the nice rectangles I fold all my other sheets and towels into. And so of course, they ruin my life every laundry day. God damn you, fitted sheets.
Let’s talk about cars for a moment. Now how is it that I have been driving this car for over a year and I just realized it has a heated steering wheel? If the cars are so smart these days, can’t it just tell when it’s cold out and put that feature into action? And why is the button for it hidden under my steering wheel… who the hell ever looks there for anything.
Basically, anything electronic can go to hell. All your stupid icons and abbreviations and multiple remotes and special “programming” required… Sure, make it hard for the lot of us when all we want to do is stream the Sirius Radio Kidz Bop version of a Katy Perry song onto our smart TV so we can Snapchat and Insta-Story our kids dancing to it in the living room? Is that so much to ask??? Is it??
Talking. Stop calling me. I don’t want to talk to you. This is not personal. But if you call me, I take points off on our friendship chart. It’s that simple. Text me, Skype me, G-chat or email me. That is all. (I break this rule occasionally for FaceTiming but only with certain people who I don’t mind seeing me in that blurry non-filter video… you know who you are.)
Parking lots are bullshit. The sado-masochistic fart-heads who design parking lots — specifically grocery store ones — can go suck on rotten lemons in hell. You’re evil — the whole lot of ya. There’s literally no rhyme or reason to what you do for a living. You put curbs where no goddamn curbs should go. You make it impossible to go from one row to another with your angled one-way spots. (Stop yelling at me, I know I’m going the wrong goddamn way, blame the asshat who designed this lot, grandma.) And forget trying to return a cart to its rightful spot. One cart return for the entire parking lot?! SHAME! No wonder it always looks like shoppingcartpocalypse up in here!
And lastly, signing up for kids activities and sports is pure hell. As if we parents don’t have enough on our plates, now, if I want to sign my kid up for karate or soccer or cupcake-making, I have to first find a reputable place to do so, then navigate your crappy GoDaddy-template website to find pertinent information about registration (I shouldn’t have to click through 15 screens to find it, guys), then I have to wait to register for four weeks (WHY?! WHY DO YOU CARE WHEN I REGISTER?) and then remember to check back weeks after that for the schedule to be released so I can look forward to watching organized chaos ensue for 45 minutes, three times a week? Seriously, if people can simply swipe right to find love, and have groceries delivered to their door in under 30 minutes, why in bloody hell can’t you make signing up for baby yoga easier??
This post originally ran on EscapingNewYork.com; a place for rants and raves about mommyhood, wifehood and lifehood.