Any way you slice it, sex after you become a parent is at least a little bit different than it was pre-kiddos.
Maybe sex is happening less. Heck, maybe it’s happening more (good on you!). Perhaps it’s scheduled and rescheduled, sometimes squeezed in at odd hours of the day. And there’s a good chance that at one point or another, your roll in the hay will be interrupted — or foiled altogether — by your beloved offspring.
As always, we can count on the moms and dads of Twitter to hilariously and succinctly capture the parenting experience — in this case, the highs and lows of sex after kids. Below are 18 tweets that do just that.
Mission Impossible 7: Parent Sex— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 4, 2019
calling him daddy before kids: sex thing— Erin the Badonkmas Elf (@Mom_Overboard) November 27, 2022
calling him daddy after kids: parenting thing
trying to have sex when you’re a parent is like “after bedtime is no good, and neither is morning bc the kids wake up first, on Tuesday we have 20 minutes between work and when the kids get home, let’s do that?!? although that does means we won’t get to eat that day”— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 24, 2022
If by sex party you mean my wife & I getting freaky in the living room while a bin full of our kids' stuffed animals creepily watch, then yes I've been to a sex party— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 19, 2021
Sex with your partner after having kids is super complicated. You gotta schedule that shit a week in advance and hope that your kids don't cock-block you. If you wait till bedtime chances are you're both gonna fall asleep, and no sexy time till next week if you're lucky.— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) June 12, 2020
Life advice:— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) May 22, 2021
Get married and have kids so you can wanna have sex at the most inopportune times and not wanna have sex when you actually could.
I'm "let me drink coffee at 7pm if we're having sex after the kids go to bed" years married.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 27, 2019
Marriage is sexting your husband all day about the wild sex you’re gonna have and then having quiet sex in your Snuggie so the kids won’t wake up.— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) April 26, 2019
Wife: want to have sex?— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 15, 2020
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I can take care of my kids, my life, my friends, my house, and still have the energy to have sex with my husband.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) September 3, 2020
All I need is an IV filled with liquid cocaine, a time machine, and a propensity to lie like a motherfucker.
You know you’re a parent when you count your sex sessions successful when you finish before a child shows up.— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) September 24, 2020
If your sex life has never suffered because you get themes from kids’ TV shows lodged in your brain at key moments, well then you aren’t me.— The Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) February 9, 2018
Marriage 1st Year.— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) September 6, 2018
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
the struggle to have sex as often as you’d like as a parent isn’t actually about lack of time. it’s about how one day you’ll look at your sexy, incredible partner and say “be right back babe, I have to go potty”— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 8, 2022
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes "Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep."— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 29, 2018
Family vacations are great if you ignore all the money you spend and sex you don’t have.— Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom) June 10, 2018
Being a parent means silent sex😩— Dreamer | Princess🦁|#ITUGolfwear | Graduate (@Max_Mofo) October 3, 2021
Wife: He’s taking too long of a nap. We need to wake him up.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 11, 2019
Me: You and I should use this time to have sex.
Toddler: *wakes up*
Me: Works every time.