I lost my voice this week. Not the best thing considering that my work consists mainly of me using my voice. Using my voice to help guide people to discovering and using their own voices. To speak up for themselves and use their words as they honor the truth within themselves.
There was a time in my life when I was afraid to use my voice. A time when people actually wondered if I did talk or if I even understood English. It was a horrible time in my life when I felt so uncertain about everything, especially myself. Every moment I questioned my thoughts, my opinions, my choices; even my own value and worthiness. "I don't have anything worthwhile to offer. What if they don't like what I say? What if they think I'm foolish? What if I say something they don't like? What if they don't like me? What if they laugh at me? Just look at me. Why would anyone care what I have to say? Just sit quietly and be seen, not heard. That's what they want anyway so don't risk it." The dialogue went on and on. Perhaps you have had a similar experience.
I continued to shrink into myself, building walls upon walls to protect myself from hurt. You see I'd been hurt before. Deeply. Hurt in a way that one wonders if they will ever recover. Yet all the while as I was withdrawing and wanting so desperately to blend into the background, I also wanted someone to actually see me and understand. I wanted someone to extend their hand and heart and teach me that I was unique and special and amazing in my own beautiful way, just like each of us are.
That never happened. So I retreated to where I knew it was safe... inside. I wasn't going to hurt myself, after all. Or so I thought.
What I didn't realize is that our own inner voice can be the most dangerous voice of all. It's the first thing we hear in the morning and the last thing we hear as we close our eyes at night. The way we choose to use our voice, or even choose to not use it, impacts us in ways that are often beyond our comprehension. And since our internal and external voices help to create our experiences, it's best that we start learning from it and learn quickly.
So for me, losing my voice has been a good thing actually. It forced me to take a step back and explore what has been going on lately both on the outside and within. I discovered I hadn't been using my voices in ways that were for my best and highest good. My clever inner mind decided to give me a wakeup call since I hadn't been paying close enough attention. So wham, I woke up this week with no voice. It was a beautiful expression of the mind-body connection. Immediately I understood.
Sometimes we can know the things we should be doing or thinking, but we get in our own way. If it goes on long enough, our minds will create a physical expression for us to focus on. The choice remains with us, however, whether or not we choose to pay attention to the subtle signs we're always receiving, or if we wait until the clobber that undoubtedly will come if we don't. Sometimes too, we need the clobber to remind us of what we already know. And sometimes, we need that person to see us and understand.
Just remember that you are not alone.