Once Upon a White Student Union

Remember last February when I declared that we needed to give our oppressed white, straight, Christian men some Valentine validation? Well I'm here again to declare that another special group of white men need our help. These men have been under tremendous pressure and anguish trying to start a White Student Union at Towson University.

Long ago were the days of a white majority in our country. We need to protect the last remnants of whiteness before it ceases to exist. Indeed, these courageous students, like Anderson Cooper's cool blue eyes, are national treasures that need to be preserved.

Many are quick to attack this group, suggesting that the University gave them nothing short of a government hand out, a down right subsidy, welfare if you will. What a ludicrous statement to make. Anyone with the ability of sight can obviously see that this organization is leading by example: they are pulling themselves up by their boot straps and not sticking to the government dough.

Instead of paying $3,600 for 13 security officers for an event featuring racial segregationist speaker Jared Taylor -- the price most other groups would pay -- this savvy group of men were able to negotiate with the conglomerate called Towson University. The price was eventually knocked down to $1,600. Some would call Taylor and the organization that forked over the money to hold his speaking engagement at Towson University "white supremacists," but not me. I would call them misunderstood individuals trying to find a home in this cruel anti-white world.

Towson University officials understand that creating a safe space for white students is a matter of national security. If we don't give white men their space then the terrorists win! Also, when white men feel disempowered enough, they occasionally become the terrorists they so despise. Very tragic. That's why this university has been quick to give this group the space it needs to survive the ever encroaching brown world. It's obvious the university is encouraged by past attempts to create a safe space for straight white men. It's my astute understanding that Towson University would come out in support of a white student union more vigorously if it weren't due to "political correctness" and outcries from the brown oppressors.

Shame! I say to those individuals who suggest that these courageous white people are being "too sensitive," that they are throwing their whiteness in everyone's face, or believe this is a case of reverse, reverse discrimination. These individuals can't help being born white, straight, male, and economically well-off. On the contrary, their struggle with what some would call "privilege" is the struggle of many.

German philosopher Christopher Meiners understood this centuries ago when he popularized the term "Caucasian race" to mean good looking or in his words "whitest, most blooming delicate skin." Or in other words, a perfect, pure race of white people. The fact that there are plenty of non-white people living in the Caucasus Mountain region, and that the skulls that prompted the original creation of the term "Caucasian" by Joseph Friedrich Blumenbach were not necessarily white is unimportant. The skulls were basically perfect, so clearly they had to belong to white people.

Anyway, being beautiful and perfect isn't racist or a white supremacist notion by any stretch of the imagination. Would we call Heidi Klum, who's with a really black, black guy, or Kate Moss a white supremacist simply for being beautiful? No we wouldn't. And we shouldn't do the same to this Caucasian student union. This is not a black or white issue, plain and simple.

You might be wondering, "What exactly will this white union seek to accomplish in the coming year?" As far as I can tell they are going to be participating in ordinary activities like any other non-SGA affiliated student organization. For example, selling baked goods and giving a discount based on race or helping our men in black at Towson by randomly patrolling the streets for crime, evildoers, and black people. This sounds like a good deal to me: race-based cookies and modern-day Knight Riders on campus. Win.

And lastly, a white student union could help its even more oppressed brothers and sisters, white homosexuals, who, as Chong-suk Han points out, are being oppressed within their own community:

Whiteness in the gay community is everywhere, from what we see, what we experience, and more importantly, what we desire. The power of whiteness, of course, derives from appearing to be nothing in particular. That is, whiteness is powerful precisely because it is everywhere but nowhere in particular. When we see whiteness, we process it as if it doesn't exist or that its existence is simply natural. We don't see it precisely because we see it constantly. It blends into the background and then becomes erased from scrutiny. And this whiteness is imposed from both outside and inside of the gay community.

Clearly whiteness exists and it needs to be brought to a level of consciousness so everyone can see the true struggle of the Caucasian race. Like I said earlier, this special group of white men needs your help. Will you stand in solidarity?