To whom it may concern (@Sarah Silverman, mostly):
I want to be as clear as our Founding Fathers re: marriage. Yes, I'm a Trump supporter, but I'm also a human being.
I load my guns one bullet at a time just like everyone else. I keep my confederate flag hanging above my limited time Sarah Palin poster just like everyone else. If I accidentally touch one of my guy friends' hands while walking, I move across the country, change my name and delete their number JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Because yuck! See, you and me, we're not so different.
*Please blast "Born in the USA" for the remainder of letter
And so I am at a loss for words when it comes to the outward ridicule and mockery in which I have received in light of my nominee decision. I mean, to single a group out just because of their personal decisions? Who would do that? Grease 2 supporters didn't even receive this kind of flack. And the worst part is that the liberals and other real life villains (ex. Ursula, Jafar, people who don't like Oreos, etc.) are too close-minded to see the horrible changes that are occurring every single day in Obamerica.
Where do I even start?
Well, we have a woman running for president. Even worse, we have women Ghostbusters. Is this the Twilight Zone?
Lol classic humor.
But seriously, like me wearing jean shorts all throughout high school, these changes aren't cool at all. They're zero percent cool. No girls would talk to these changes if they saw them in the hallway.
With women busy taking on these kind of progressive societal roles, who will be around to be the level-headed, intelligent people who literally give our civilization life even though we've unfairly taken huge metaphorical shits on them since the beginning of time???
Oh, and as if 2016 isn't already bad enough, Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar. A clever guise puppeteered by Jon Stewart, I'm sure. And I hate to bring this one up, but do you know about this "face-swapping" fad that the kids are doing? Disgusting. God gave you your face for a reason. You don't see me walking around thinking, "Hmm Snickers are good but I'd love to see how they'd taste with a little Reese's." No. God created Snickers in his image, and I'll be damned if anyone is going to change that. Also, fuck dogs. Just in general. So dumb and needy.
We (ignorant white people) need to take our country back. It's up to us. We need to make America great again. Like the good ole' days. Shoutout Christopher C.!
Don't you remember? The '50s, '60s, segregation, racism, Woodstock '71 (what a ride), all the wars, the deaths, discrimination, that time when grilled cheese didn't exist, the fucking Great Depression -- ugh, need that Great Depresh. America was so so good.
Nowadays everything is so complicated. Nothing makes sense. People date online. I see kids giving money to fountains in malls. People think Kevin Hart is funny. What's next? Men will want to become nurses? Ha don't make me laugh. Seriously, if I laugh too hard I may keel over and die because my heart is literally wrapped in bacon says my doctor.
Newsflash: We're not going to have a fun country with all of these lame-ass things happening. Do you want to be the responsible, kind, role model of a country? Or do you want to be that COOL FUCKING COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T WEAR A SEAT BELT IN CABS AND BUYS ROUNDS OF SHOTS FOR EVERYONE? Because at the rate we're going, nobody is going to want to be our friend.
Right now, America is like that person who follows you around at a party because they can't socialize. Yes, I'm obviously referencing you, Drew. Please stop asking me to hang out.
"Oh, don't mind us, Europe, we'll just be over here standing awkwardly by the punch bowl."
"Sorry, Denmark, can't hang out tonight. Too busy watching romcoms with Bangladesh."
Soft. So soft.
That's not who America is. That's not what we stand for.
We stand for beef jerky, illegal fireworks and lying to get ahead in life. We stand for cheeseburgers and baseball and Dave Matthews Band. We stand for cheese and Ford truck commercials and Ariana Grande, whatever that is. THEY DON'T CALL US THE "UNITED STATES OF PERFECT PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG" FOR NOTHING.
I hate to say it, but at this point if America was on Tinder, I don't even think Mozambique would swipe right on us. Like, you're not even that hot of a country. We hooked up once six years ago. Get over yourself.
The point is, we need to stay rooted in tradition. Like a tree grown from the seeds of regression. Watered with the droplets of shame. It's our only hope. Why should we try to be Lion King 2 when the original was so perfect? That's a metaphor. No, that's a metafive. Yeah, I made up a word. So what? It's called freedom of speech. Don't like it? "You're fired." Hahah rofl.
And don't bother convincing me to view issues from a different perspective. I already tried that once when I went to a John Mayer concert and I'll never try it again.
That's the beauty of being a Trump supporter.
I stay true to my beliefs regardless of any new information presented or that whole 'science' trend (which is on the downfall anyways). Global warming? More like global please never talk to me again. Yesterday I put marshmallows on my Pizza. I really don't care about anything in life except for being stubborn and making other people miserable lol.
But I get it. Folks are turned off by Donald Trump because he looks like the aftermath of a soggy Cheeto that made love to an Oompa Loompa. Others don't like him because he's too "extreme" and a little "different." K well just remember that's probably what people said about double-chocolate chunk brownies at first.
Sure, he has some questionable views. Yes, an argument can be made regarding his Hitler-like demeanor. But the only KKK he should be associated with is his kalm, kool and kollected persona. Am I right, racists and bigots? Let me hear you! We're all terrible, irrational people!!
At the end of the day, it's like one of my 36 regrettable tattoos say, "Dance like we live in a futuristic utopia where all liberals have been sent to space to live on Mars and the only music they have is Maroon 5." Obvsm the O's in Maroon are illustrations of Reagan's face.
So go ahead, belittle my beliefs. We'll see who's laughing come election time. We'll see who's upset when the American flag is replaced with a picture of Trump's biceps and the "Star-Spangled Banner" is replaced with "A Melodic Ode to Our Master/God Trump Who We So Dearly Love."
In fact, I'm so confident and unemployed that I even have part of the anthem written already:
[To the tune of Rachel Platten's "Fight Song"]
"This is our Trump song
Our fucking Trump song
Earth's fucking Trump song..." and so on and so forth.
I and others like me will be at the polls. Will you?
P.S. Add me on email at NotAfraidToHitAProtestor22@aol.com
P.S.S. Feel cholesterol not the Bern
Wrote this letter using gun powder,
Your local Trump supporter