The Eight Types Of A**holes In Washington

We first ran this story as "The Seven Types Of Assholes In Washington" back in Oct. 2013. A new type of Washington asshole has been discovered since then.

WASHINGTON -- Herewith, a definitive guide to the eight types of assholes running Washington, according to the people who know them best.

1. Cantaloupe-Sized Asshole

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) condemned Rep. Steve King's (R-Iowa) observation last year that for every high school valedictorian who came to the United States illegally as a child, there is another with "calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling seventy-five pounds of marijuana across the desert."

Writing in Texas Monthly on Friday, Rep. Joaquin Castro (D-Texas) recounted what happened when he and a Democratic colleague thanked Boehner, during a casual exchange on the House floor, for criticizing King: "He slowed his stride and then paused to turn toward us. 'What an asshole,' he said. My thoughts exactly, Mr. Speaker."

2. Absolute Asshole

Tom Coburn, a Republican senator from Oklahoma, said in October that he doesn't like Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.).

"There's no comity with Harry Reid," Coburn said, according to the New York Daily News. "I think he's an absolute asshole."

Coburn later sought a meeting with Reid to apologize. "I don't look forward to it," Reid admitted.

3. Major League Asshole

On stage at a campaign event in September 2000, then-presidential candidate George W. Bush spotted New York Times reporter Adam Clymer. Bush leaned over to Dick Cheney, not realizing a microphone was on, and said, "There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole for the New York Times!"

Cheney replied, "Big time."

4. Asshole Central

Former Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum once worked as a lobbyist for the World Wrestling Federation (now known as World Wrestling Entertainment). In a 2012 interview with Mother Jones, wrestling writer Irvin Muchnick recalled speaking with Santorum, who had just read an article of Muchnick's about the push to deregulate the sport in Pennsylvania in 1988.

"It was like asshole central," Muchnick said of his conversation with Santorum. "He was slapping his knees and laughing and reading lines out loud, which at a minimum showed a certain cynicism about the whole thing. But also, it was just very juvenile. I'm sure he didn't expect to be running for president at that point."

5. Latin For Asshole

Early in his Senate career in the 1990s, Santorum, a Pennsylvania Republican, made a poor impression on then-Sen. Bob Kerrey (D-Neb.). Kerrey was overheard asking, “Santorum? Is that Latin for asshole?”

("Culus" is the actual Latin word for asshole.)

6. The Most Egregious Assholes

In 2012, a senior Republican called upstart freshmen Reps. Justin Amash, Tim Huelskamp and David Schweikert "the most egregious assholes" of all the Republicans in the House, according to Politico.

Rep. Lynn Westmoreland (R-Ga.) reportedly explained to the youngsters that their unfavorable committee reassignments had nothing to do with their conservatism. "It had to do with their inability to work with other members, which some people might refer to as the asshole factor," a Westmoreland spokesperson told Politico.

7. Unqualified Asshole

Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.) was upset in 2003 when he met someone who worked for a firm representing Fox News in a lawsuit over his book title, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. He later admitted he'd been rude.

“I might have said that the woman who filed the complaint against me was an asshole,” Franken told Roll Call. “I use language as bad as President Bush does ... Maybe I’m not qualified to be president.”

8. Those Assholes

Former basketball star and current freelance diplomat Dennis Rodman said in September he wouldn't do anything during his visits to North Korea to secure the release of Kenneth Bae, an American imprisoned there.

"That's not my job to ask about Kenneth Bae," Rodman told reporters, according to the Associated Press. "Ask Obama about that. Ask Hillary Clinton. Ask those assholes."



Distinguishable Members Of Congress