Would you like to lose wrinkles, sagging skin, and restore 20 years of agility and energy with one simple shot? Of course, it's safe, painless, and soon-to-be FDA approved.
Okay, I'll admit I'm intrigued. And yes, I guess that means I'm vain. But I don't consider that a women's issue. Believe me, there are a lot of men who are vainer than me.
Weight is probably a women's issue, in that we only want to be skinny to impress other women or ourselves. For men it's their hair.
Anyway, I am a sucker for those come hither ads that appeal to my vanity. "Lose 5 Pounds of Fat Around the Waist without Dieting or Exercising" ... read more ...
"The Truth about Aging Skin and What to Do About It" ... read more ...
Of course, I have read more and more and more -- only to find out that for a price they will tell you how. And I've done it more than once, spending a good half hour lost in this kind of nonsense.
It's embarrassing because it usually happens when my husband has sent me an interesting editorial about Donald Trump and campaign madness or some news about fracking. Suddenly an ad pops up and I'm off. My husband finds me 45 minutes later down the rabbit hole. I think by age 67 I should be over this, and sometimes I feel like I have reached a new level of acceptance. But then I find myself succumbing once again.
Recently, I actually went to see a cosmetic surgeon (a woman) to ask about leg lifts and arm lifts. I was hoping there was a way to pull your skin up over your arms and then hide the stitches under the armpits. And legs, maybe sewed up neatly under your falling ass. Leg lift, arm lift -- it just sounded reasonable and easy, like pulling on a snug pair of tights. But alas, it's not like that. There is a trade-off. Yes, your legs will be tighter but they will be riddled with scars. The arms she thought she could improve. The doctor started pulling my skin up and shoving it under my armpit and then grabbing another mass of loose flab from another part of my arm and tried to shove it there as well. She said she could do it. And they would be better, but not perfect. She looked at my legs and suggested I just forget about them. Use creams and oils and they will be fine, she advised.
I admit that even though I took it as a compliment, I was disappointed. In my desperation I asked what she thought of human growth hormones (HGH). HGH is supposedly the very thing our cells had when we were young but that disappear as we age. These hormones are responsible for elasticity, collagen production, cell growth and melanin. Hey, if we can get our HGH back, I figure, it could slow down or shut off the aging process. I have been searching for an endocrinologist to administer an injection to me.
So when I asked her about HGH, it suddenly seemed as if I had stumbled onto the motherlode of longevity research. It turns out the doctor's brother is a research scientist who has been working on an injectable serum made from your own platelets. Researchers were using it on patients with trigeminal neuralgia when they noticed that after the first shot the patient lost wrinkles, his skin seemed tighter and his white hair darkened.
The doctor looked like the cat who swallowed the canary. She didn't want to show how excited she was. "My brother doesn't want to jump the gun. However, early results seem pretty amazing. I'm not going to be giving the shots for another four to six months. And while I can't say "THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!" I can say it's pretty exciting."
Of course, I completely believed her. I'm hooked!
Watch all 12 episodes at AllDownhillFromHereTv.com.