Conan O'Brien Conquers Twitter, Ruins My Day

Conan O'Brien Conquers Twitter, Ruins My Day
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

Earlier this week, I joined Twitter. Within twelve hours, the seven people I was following had started following me. I wasn't an Internet sensation on the level of Ashton Kutcher or a cat blowing out birthday candles, but my potential was obvious. Like unexplained fatigue or a strange rash, my Twitter page was showing early signs of viral activity.

Things were going well: a new follower here, a strategic retweet there. I was hoping to have about twelve followers by the end of the week, a dramatic increase of nearly 100 percent. I was sure to attract the attention of the mainstream media.

I know the New York Times is always looking for a trend piece based on one person's anecdotal experience. "So that's what Twitter is," I imagined a Times reader saying before sending his daily check for a million dollars to Nancy Pelosi. Maybe I'd even appear on the cover of the New York Post, with a headline like "TWEET CHILD O' MINE," above a picture of me sending a Tweet to Axl Rose.

I was on the verge of realizing the American dream: becoming famous for no reason. Then everything changed.

My Twitter feed was filled with news about Conan O'Brien. He'd just signed up for Twitter. I went to his page. 17,000 followers. No need to panic, I thought. I'll catch that soon. I returned to trolling the Internet for hilarious links to Tweet to my fans.

But I could barely focus. Soon, I found myself staring at O'Brien's Twitter page. 35,000 followers. 50,000 followers. 100,00 followers. It was a nightmare.

The Times would profile Conan. He would be the one on the cover of the Post, under the headline "CHE-ROD," laughing it up next to a picture of Alex Rodriguez made to look like Che Guevara with a Yankees hat.

Then I read Conan's Tweet. It was funny. I remembered that he's talented and famous. It suddenly dawned on me: I'm not competing with Conan O'Brien. After all, Twitter isn't about being more popular than a celebrity. It's about being more popular than your friends.

Popular in the Community