Def Party Time! Let's Make a GOP Hip-Hop Video

Warning: The following material requires an entry-level familiarity with pop culture terminology and references of the 1980s and 1990s.

Michael Steele already said that Obama's stimulus plan is full of "bling bling." But did he really just say that he's going to bring the GOP to "hip hop settings" - and that it will be "off the hook"?

Oh, no, he didn't!

Oh, yes, he did!

I mean, "off the hook"? "Off the hook"? That expression is twenty-five years old! Michael Steele may think he's the new, youthful face of Republicanism, but he's over fifty and it's showing. His hipness, such as it is, is like Robert de Niro in Awakenings. It just woke up and realized how long it's been in a coma.

I guess Ronald Reagan isn't the only thing Republicans miss from the eighties. Apparently they also miss "Ice Ice Baby" and other def and fresh innovations of the time. Michael Steele really has changed the party. Until now, Republicans thought "urban contemporary" was the furniture style the decorator used for the rumpus room.

"Bling bling" was bad enough. Not only is the reference slightly offensive, but people have long since switched to the use of the single word "bling." And as for "off the hook," who said that last: Kid or Play? Please, Michael Steele's hipness -- put down the ouija board, say goodbye to Robin Williams, and go back to sleep.

Fat (or should I say "phat") chance that will happen. We all know that Michael Steele has the job of running a party with no solutions to offer, and the best idea he's had so far is to appropriate this lingo.

Bust a move.

But maybe we're being too hasty. Maybe he can make this retro-80's thing work for him -- with, you know, a little help from his friends. First he'll need to take some "rap lessons." (I hear Joaquin Phoenix is available.) Then he could put a little act of his own together: "The Fresh Prince of the Beltway, with Fatcat Cash and the Wheels of Steele."

They could get Rush Limbaugh to be a Human Beat Box, a wall of fleshy sound. Then they could make a video, MTV-style, with spray painting and graffiti that says "Adults Keep Out" or "No Taxes for the Rich!" In fact, as an act of across-the-aisle generosity, I'll write the lyrics. Ready? Okay, then! I'm going to call up Michael Steele and read him his new hit. I've appropriated a musical backing that won't make men in their fifties uncomfortable - "Parents Just Don't Understand" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. Check it:

Democrats Just Don't Understand

You know the grownups are in charge now and they're always the same
But Republicans are down -- sure, we made our mistakes
But we're telling our homies all throughout the land
The problem is that Democrats just don't understand

Like I remember one term the president was trippin'
We were all deregulatin' so the markets were flippin'
There was Bush, and Cheney, and Don, and Condoleezza
Givin' away tax billions like we're sending out for pizza

And fightin' some war we didn't need to be fightin'
So those liberals gotta act all rude an' uptight
Torture some guys and every body holla'
What about me? I had to wear all that starch in my collar

Step off, Harry Reid!
Step off, Ms. Pelosi!
We're legit and we're scarier than Bela Lugosi!

Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot
We lost by so much it still can amaze us
And now sucka Democrats are tryin' to faze us
But we got some ill s**t left so we're not too bitter
In fact I'm down with my B-boy here, Senator Vitter

(cut to Sen. Vitter and Mitch McConnell working the turntables)

We know that people out there need so much help
When it comes to your problems, this party is def
We're 2 tough 2 fail so we're gonna survive
"Just block all progress," that's how we'll stay alive
(Ah! ah! ah! ah! stayin' alive)

I ran for this job, told the Party don't panic
I'll just use some street talk on the Blacks and Hispanics
Sure they're the ones that have been beat down the worst of 'em
But once they hear me they'll forget we're a curse to them -

They'll understand we just made a mistake
And Democrats are boring! while we're funky and fake
So to all of you ethnics across the land
Take it from me, Democrats just don't understand

So, Mr. Steele - what do you think?

Mr. Steele? Mr. Steele?

There's nobody there. I guess he hung up on me. His phone is dead.

Or maybe it's just off the hook ...