Managing the influence of terrorism.
We were late for school as I hustled my nine-year-old son into the car. The radio was on and as we turned onto the busy road the news bulletin about the twin towers shattered the morning. Seismic waves of fear and shock, forever known as 9/11, seized our hearts and ceased our illusion that violence happened elsewhere. In the days following, while the world sought a new equilibrium, I noticed my son very quiet and staying in his room. He was clearly troubled and I asked him about it. It wasn't what I expected - about 9/11 - although that would factor in, but rather a school assignment that he was unwilling to face.
The class was studying a book. The story was a harsh account about a mother who was dying and her young daughter left alone on the street. The assignment asked, "What would you do if both your parents were killed all of a sudden?" I was stunned at the insensitivity of the adults in charge of young hearts and minds that this unthinkable occurrence was imposed upon the children who had just witnessed cataclysmic violence. It was an award winning book lauded for its teaching of 'reality'.
In our misguided notion that teaching like this prepares our children for reality we actually teach our children that the world is a terrifying, unpredictable place and fear is the only reasonable response. This is not the only reality.
Today, Paris tells us that cultural worlds are clashing; no doubt we are witnessing the collective belief in right and wrong, we vs. them. Fear fosters anger and anger fosters violence - on the killing fields of foreign countries or on the streets of our cities. Terrorism gets all the press and runs like wildfire across the media. Terror is just as grim when we hear of the death of innocents at the hand of a child with a gun or a drunk driver who careens into a group of students, killing them. With so much evidence of a fearful reality, lets take a deep breath and think of our responsibility as parents.
Here are five things you can do to change reality for your child and - as it flows outward - the world itself.
1.Be the peace you want to see in your world.
Get hold of your own fear. Don't feed the forces of fear by fearing fear itself. Understand that while loss of innocent life is horrific it is not the statistical norm. We are more safe than we are at risk. Open your heart to all who have lost loved ones to violence of any kind; it is human to acknowledge suffering and grieve. But do not fall into the emotional drama of the stories and the 'what if's'. If you want to engage in infinite possibilities let them be of a peaceful nature. All opinions are just thoughts and you can choose them. Thoughts generate beliefs and assumptions that result in outcomes. Keep your desired outcome of peace and safety in your heart and mind. Remember you are an example for your child.
2.Protect your child's innocence.
Children under five need not know anything about terrorist attacks or the many other ways of violence that are facts of our present society. Older children will inevitably hear stories at school or even have related assignments. Monitor what they are being asked to take in. Be in touch with the school to mitigate any additional stress on your child. Looping in the repetition of the terror escalates uncertainty. Be your child's censor board. Answer questions your child asks honestly. Keep it simple and to the point. Use discussions to teach tolerance and wisdom. End all discussions with a redirect to calm and confidence in being safe.
3.Create a sanctuary.
Make your home a place of peace and quiet, of playfulness, light-heartedness where your children can relax. Turn off the TV and avoid external stimulation and outside influences. Curtail unnecessary extracurricular activities. Be sensitive to your child's behaviour. The best way to develop awareness is to bring your child into the heart of the home and family. Plan dinners together, baking cookies. Family projects that can include all members weave security within the family that can withstand the buffeting of the outside world. Make time with each of your children separately to develop sensitive age-appropriate communication.
4.Find what is lovely in the world and explore that together.
Enjoy pleasant and enlivening pursuits together. Walk in nature, a city park, visit a museum or art gallery, the library. Find creative projects in which your child can let his or her mind roam freely, where time stops as they enjoy their own creative nature. Avoid over-stimulating locations like malls, which emanate collective anxiety to the sensitive. Teach them to bring peaceful moments into their own mind. You can guide them in meditation for calm before they sleep. Or take turns reading a great story aloud.
5.Nourish confidence and happiness.
When we are tired or undernourished, any stress in life can loom large - no matter how small or grand on the scale. Make certain that your children get plenty of rest. You are modelling peace and security - so make sure you don't act out in unconscious harshness due to tiredness. It's like the oxygen mask in the airplane. You need to be stable before you can assist others. Food is critical - emphasise natural and nutritional whole foods. Avoid processed foods and sugars. Support the body which will support the mind and emotions.
The energies rushing through the world - these vortices of violence - are the lightning strike of collective energies of imbalance. You cannot change these events in a moment - neither by denial nor over analysis. But you can change how they affect your immediate world - the one in which your child is growing and learning - from you.
These are difficult times. Together we can find solutions. I'd love to hear from you - please leave your comments below.