Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you're taking notes when he walks into the room.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 24, 2024
When I got married my friends asked if she was taking my name and I had to tell them it would be really stupid if we were both named Stephen
— Stephen Lee (@StephenBaeFleek) April 28, 2024
We were getting ready to go to a party and I asked my husband if he thought I was dressed like a dad and he looked at me and said, so sincerely and positively, "you look like a divorced dad who is really trying to get back out there."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 28, 2024
I live in constant fear that one day my wife will ask me “Do you notice anything different about me?”
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) April 24, 2024
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like "Heyyy" and "Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet".
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 29, 2024
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I'm loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen "to get something."
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 23, 2024
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) April 27, 2024
Hi I have a question. My husband has had the hiccups for over 45 minutes & how soon is too soon to ask for a divorce?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 24, 2024
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 23, 2024
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I was explaining to my wife that I have to buy shoes with decent sized toe boxes because I have Flintstone feet and her face went through such a journey realizing that’s exactly correct and she never even realized my feet are cartoon-prehistoric in 13 entire years.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) April 25, 2024
Me: I got carded today.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 29, 2024
Husband: Only because you were trying to cheat and get the senior discount.
Me: It still counts!
The only things that are certain in life are death, taxes, and my husband's inability to get things done when he says he will.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 23, 2024
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) April 28, 2024
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I had my doctor on speaker so my wife can listen in as we were discussing my X-Ray results, and the doctor said it was “Definitely age related”. To show her love and support, my wife LOL’ed.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 26, 2024
Idiot award goes to my husband who has spent these past rainy months doggedly training for a marathon on Sunday... only to find this week that he never actually registered for it.
— Louise Mumford (@louise_mumford) April 26, 2024
The only time I say “I was born ready” is when my husband asks me if I’m ready for coffee.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) April 29, 2024
They say if you feel overwhelmed, it's important to ask for help.
— Marl (@Marlebean) April 25, 2024
*Husband immediately loses the list of things I asked for help with*
My wife started singing a song about “she’s bikin’, she’s dykin’” when I got on the stationary bike today. Happy Lesbian Visibility Week!
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) April 24, 2024
Marriage is all about being creative in your revenge.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 24, 2024
Like later I'm going to add my husband to a group text.
Asked my husband all the places he already looked for the lost scissors so I know where I don’t have to look… I mean, where I have to look again.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) April 23, 2024
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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