Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
This morning I taught my 5-year-old how to make coffee and now I feel like I should run for President.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) August 3, 2015
For people who do nothing with grocery shopping, food buying and meal preparing, these kids sure have strong opinions on breakfast.
— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) August 5, 2015
Hearing, "Mommy, can you teach me how to stanky leg?" before coffee is not how I expected today to go.
— JeannetteBellesfield (@MommysMartinis) August 6, 2015
If you were wondering what three little girls have for breakfast in the morning after a sleepover, the answer is an argument.
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) August 6, 2015
Me: Gimme a second, son - daddy needs to concentrate 5yo: Ok 5yo: *immediately asks 10 more questions
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) August 6, 2015
When they say you're gonna look back and miss these days do they mean the ones when your kid literally won't give you 2 seconds to poop?
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) August 3, 2015
Last full week of summer. The week when I care more about where last year's school supplies are than I do about where my kids are.
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) August 3, 2015
Interviewer: Tell me about an accomplishment you are most proud of Me: I once listened to a 6yo tell an entire story wo/looking at my phone
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) August 3, 2015
Puppies and toddlers have a lot in common when it comes to peeing everywhere and breaking everything.
— Court (@Discourt) August 3, 2015
I'm listening to Taylor Swift radio on my iHeart Radio app. When did I become my 6-year-old?
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) August 4, 2015
I'd be great at moderating debates because as a parent I'm always dealing with interruptions and asking questions that never get answered.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) August 7, 2015
FYI: If it ever looks like my wife and I are awkwardly sitting on the same side of a booth, it's just because our kids are under the table.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 4, 2015
Never tell your 5yo you have a surprise for them unless it's exactly what they've always wanted.
— Brent Almond (@DesignerDaddy) August 6, 2015
Most of the time I feel more like a genie granting unlimited wishes than a mom.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 3, 2015
4yo (singing): "The wheels on the BUTT go round & round, round & round!" I meant to say that it's inappropriate, but was laughing too hard.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) August 5, 2015
Parent pro tip: The more kids you have, the harder it is to hide from them.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 3, 2015
Traveling with a four year old boy is like transferring a serial killer between prisons.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 3, 2015
[therapist's office] Me: I'm gonna take a nap on this couch Therapist: This session is $200 an hour Me: I have 3 kids at home. It's worth it
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2015
Mom karma: When your favorite song comes on and you are excited to sing along, your kid asks you how babies come out from where you pee.
— Martinis & Minivans (@martinisandmini) August 4, 2015
I thought parenting would be like Leave It to Beaver, but it's mostly been laundry. And poop. Lots of poop.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 4, 2015
I would like to live in the Quiet Car.
— Lindsey Mead (@lemead) August 4, 2015
Also on HuffPost:
Cute Kid Notes
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.