Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
ME: We've got wine, beer, use any bathroom, oh & if u need to nurse-— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 20, 2016
TARGET MGR: Ma'am u can't host a party her-
ME: shhh. I live here now
I'm like one of those overhead recipe videos, but with a dirty counter, missing ingredients & a kid asking for a snack in the background.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 18, 2016
Didn't look at my kid's homework folder. Dropped her off 5 minutes late & told her to run to class.— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) May 20, 2016
End of school year mom in full effect.
I never anticipated that parenting would involve calling school systems to see if they still use books, but here we are.— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) May 16, 2016
If I had a Cheerio for every Cheerio I've picked up off the floor, I could make a Cheerio village. With Cheerio people driving Cheerio cars.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) May 18, 2016
Parenting truth:— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) May 16, 2016
Weekends? Kids are jumping on my bed at 6:00am sharp.
Weekdays? I have to jump on their beds to wake them up.
I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because "his leaves are getting on our lawn."— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) May 14, 2016
me: sorry, you have to drink water we're just about out of milk— Emily Peck (@EmilyRPeck) May 18, 2016
5yo: [sighs] I wish we had a cow
4yo: "Daaaaddy! I need your help! I'm in the bathroom! I tried to practice wiping my own butt!"— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) May 17, 2016
Me: "How'd it go?"
4yo: "Not too good."
Stickiest things in the world:— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 19, 2016
1) Children's library books
6yo: [6am: calmly eating cereal, paging thru sister's journal]— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 18, 2016
Me: What are you doing buddy?
6yo: Learning what's inside sissy's head
Parenting: When your kid is climbing on you with their knees and you think "This is it, this is how it ends..."— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) May 19, 2016
My son doesn't really need his wisdom teeth out. We're just doing it for a chance to get his hilariously-sedated video on the Ellen show.— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 16, 2016
Middle school honor society ceremony = Old Navy sold out of khakis size 10-12.— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) May 17, 2016
As a parent, you want to open doors for your kids. As someone who pays A/C bills, you must close every door they open, which is all of them.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 17, 2016
My teenager daughter isn't talking to me this week.— Stacey Gill (@OneFunnyMotha) May 17, 2016
This is going to be the best week of my life!
Yay it's almost dinner time!— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) May 17, 2016
Or as my kids know it, can we make daddy cry by simply refusing everything we have in the house?
4: Mom! We found a baby bird sleeping on the ground! Come see!— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 17, 2016
Me: ok (looks)
Spoiler alert: it wasn't sleeping
And then I heard the 6 terrifying words my heart, wallet, ears and eyes have been dreading for years:— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 20, 2016
"Mom, can we go to Justice?"
Right now my kid is crying bc he was eating a bag of Doritos and offered me one and I accidentally ate the entire bag.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 17, 2016
I hate sounding like a parent when I have to parent.— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) May 17, 2016