Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Don't become a parent if you don't want to feel every emotion within the first 5 minutes of waking up.

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) September 4, 2014

To wake my daughter, I usually say, "Time to get up," and she complains and falls back asleep.

Today I yelled, "Centipede!" It worked.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) September 4, 2014

Needed: Craigslist Missed Connections but for when you meet cool moms on the playground.

— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) September 5, 2014

"You want me to bathe AND brush my teeth? In the same morning?"

~ kids

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 3, 2014

What is up with kids only asking existential/complex math questions of their parents before coffee happens?

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) September 4, 2014

I took the "What Kind of Parent are you?" Facebook quiz and my results came back "The Kind that Ignores your Kids While you Take Quizzes."

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 2, 2014

My 2 year old's least favorite sippy cup is whichever one I already poured his drink into.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 3, 2014

Some days I’m blown away by how much my 4-year-old knows about the world.

Other days I have to explain why she shouldn’t lick random people

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2014

I'm truly a mother now because today I mom-armed my empty passenger seat.

— Erin Donovan (@erinmdonovan) September 4, 2014

My kids are having a calm, quiet conversation in the other room. They must be plotting my murder.

— Sarah Wine-Thyre ￰ﾟﾇﾺ￰ﾟﾇﾸ￰ﾟﾏﾳ￯ﾸﾏ‍￰ﾟﾌﾈ (@SarahThyre) August 29, 2014

It finally happened. Took 4 and 2 out to lunch today, saw a couple with a newborn, and thought: That part was easy.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) September 3, 2014

Sometimes when my 3yo hugs me out of nowhere it's amazing and it makes it all worth it. Sometimes he's just wiping his snot on my shirt.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 5, 2014

Ummm, I have TOO finished a book this year. I’ve read Goodnight Moon at least 200 times.

— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) September 4, 2014

"Don't Call Me a Baby" is the ballad of youngest siblings everywhere.

— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) September 1, 2014

My toddler truly has no idea how difficult it is to take someone seriously when they're wearing nothing but underwear and sparkly shoes.

— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) August 31, 2014

Because of all the interruptions, my wife and I have decided to talk when the kids go to college.

— Wrang Wordler (@Thing_Finder) September 6, 2014

"Do you know what's even better than yelling? Whispering."
- Me, lying to my 3yo

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) September 6, 2014

I'm pretty sure the Peanuts character PigPen was inspired by what a toddler looks like after a day at preschool.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 29, 2014

Do not tell a kid you didn't understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) September 1, 2014

My 9yo just threw his quarter in a fountain and wished for money.

— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) September 7, 2014

I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards.

Now let's see those kids get out of there.

— Dippy Blonder (@DippyBlonder) September 5, 2014

Me: What do you kids want for dinner?

7: Spaghetti!

5: Hotdogs!

Me (picking up phone): That's great! Pizza it is then.

— Red Hot Momma (@redhotmomma99) September 4, 2014

"Ok, we only have to put them back in their rooms thirty-five more times and it's bedtime."
-How Husband and I get ready to relax.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 26, 2014

My kids' favorite joke of mine is "It's time to go to bed".

— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) September 4, 2014