Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My 7yo is mad at me because my b-day is closer to his friend's b-day than it is to his, in case you wondered what parenthood is like.— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) November 10, 2016
Me, to kids: "Listen- if we find your sister's shoe in the next 3 minutes, we'll still be on time for school."— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 10, 2016
Then we laughed & laughed.
If you've never had a paper airplane land in your pasta congratulations on not having children.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) November 11, 2016
Worst Things a Toddler Can Lose:— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) November 8, 2016
• A toy or balloon they named.
• A popsicle in the house.
• Your keys.
• Their crazy little minds.
Kids spend 75% of the day asking questions and 25% of the day talking about why your answers are wrong.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) November 8, 2016
You know you're truly a parent when you are required to show the pictures in the book you are reading to the stuffed animals in the room.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 7, 2016
The problem with cooking healthy food for your kids for dinner is you also have to eat it.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 8, 2016
What I think I say in the morning to my kids: can you please get ready?— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) November 11, 2016
What I must say: can you summon the devil through your actions?
Kevin is Home Alone for 3 days & does at least 2 loads of laundry. I've been a stay at home mom for 2 years & I've done maybe 3 loads total.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) November 7, 2016
My 2-year-old handed me a candy bar.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2016
I hugged her for finally learning how to share.
Turns out she just wanted me to open it.
"I'm excited to turn my clocks back this weekend because I'll get an extra hour of sleep!"— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 4, 2016
- Spoken by no parents of young children, ever.
Me: Get in bed.— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) November 10, 2016
Kid: OK, but first, let me tell you this story about the time I found a cotton ball in a parking lot.
Something special about a child getting in your bed for early morning snuggles & kisses, and who whispers "I'm out of toilet paper."— My Fellow Amehricans (@TheAlexNevil) November 9, 2016
Me: *drops something and quietly whispers 'shit' so the kids don't hear*— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) November 8, 2016
5: Mommy, why did you whisper shit?
Being a parent means scrambling to make school lunches & then realizing your kids have the day off.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 10, 2016
I knew parenting would be mentally taxing, but I didn't realize most of that would be pretending to listen to so much talk about video games— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 10, 2016
COOKBOOK: The whole family will love these delicious flavors of fall— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) November 7, 2016
4 Y.O: It tastes like deer poop and shark poop and every kind of poop
Forgot kids were at Grandma's & when I woke to total silence I got worried they'd been kidnapped but it was so pleasant I didn't really mind— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 11, 2016
Me: "Hey, you spilled your snack. What do you need to do now?"— Sara (@smilely_gal) November 7, 2016
Toddler: "Have you clean it up for me!"
Sigh...the story of my life.