Note: This piece is a work of satire.
“Ah hate them! Ah detest they-ah Yankee asses!” Jeff Sessions stomped around his room. He was very upset. All the Republicans were having a sleepover at Camp David and he hadn’t been invited. He threw some darts at a photo of Donald Trump then pulled them out and smoothed out the holes with his hand. What if someone was watching? But then he thought. Let them watch. If they weren’t going to invite him, he didn’t care and he put the darts back into the photo.
Jeff looked out the window. It was raining and cold. He hoped those mean boys were freezing up there. And that their balls were turning blue and their dicks were shriveling up into their testicles.
Then he sighed because, really, he’d rather be at Camp David even if it meant that his balls would turn blue and his dick would shrivel up into his testicles because that’s the kind of sacrifice he was willing to make for his country. And those sons of bitches knew it and still he had not been invited. And DeVos had. He hoped her tits froze.
He remembered how great it was right after the election when he was Trump’s bestie. God, those were the days: plotting, preening, perjuring, being one of the innermost classified bros. It even beat the time when, as Attorney General for his home state, he had successfully fought against the seating of the first negro intermediate appellate court judges in the history of Sweet Home Alabama and won and that had been pretty damn sweet.
And yet, here he was snubbed. Snubbed. Him. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, the man who wants to make it legal to discriminate against sodomites in the workplace again.
It was probably all that prick Scott Pruitt’s fault. Such a suck up. Such a psychophant. They were all psychophants. That was a word Jeff had made up and he loved it.
“Psychophant, psychophant, psychophant,” he muttered. Scott was jealous of Jeff. Always had been. And he had his eye on Jeff’s job. He was probably even now whispering in Trump’s ear saying wouldn’t it be great if they could all get together and not have to deal with little Jeff and his little reading glasses and his drawl.
“Ah am the A-tuhney Gen’ral and y’all can suck it,” he said to his reflection. Then he smiled at himself and that was scary so he threw himself down on the bed and sighed. Heavily.
He could just see them all gathered around a big ol’ table in the main cabin, laughing about the next rights they would take away from the people, rewriting the constitution, plotting to fire Robert Mueller. He was eaten alive with jealousy. Didn’t he have great ideas too? Hadn’t it been his idea to privatize prisons again and because he had investments in privatized prisons shouldn’t that have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that he was just as profit-minded and greedy as the rest of the clique? Didn’t he see to it that those trans people had to use the bathroom that conformed to their God-given body parts? Hadn’t he lied at his confirmation hearings? What more did they want from him to prove he deserved a place in the inner sanctum?
Jeff screamed into his pillow then rolled over onto his back. It was all about his recusing himself from the Russia Investigation. It had to be. He would never live that down. Apparently, one single moment of ethical behavior and you’re branded for a lifetime. How is that fair?
It’s not.
Jeff put his feet up on the wall over his headboard. His wife didn’t like him to do that but he was hurt enough to not care about that right now. Well, maybe he cared a little. He took off his shoes. Then he beat a tantrum tattoo on the headboard with his heels. A few moments later, there was a knock at his door.
“Jeff?” It was his wife. “Can I come in?”
Jeff quickly swung around and put his feet on the floor.The door opened. Mary peeked in.
“What in the world is going on in here?” she said.
Jeff crossed his arms over his chest and didn’t answer.
“Don’t tell me you’re still pouting because you weren’t invited to the slumber party,” said Mary.
Jeff pushed out his lower lip.
Mary sat down on the bed beside him.
“Jeff,” she said , “you don’t need those boys. You have a long and glorious history of racism and bigotry and favoring corporate interests to say nothing of your championing of chain gangs. No one can take that away from you. Especially not those mean boys”
“Ah know,” said Jeff. “But Ah want revenge, Mary.” .
“’Course you do, darlin’,” said Mary. “And I am 100% behind you on this.”
“But how, how, Mary?” asked Jeff, sitting up and peering at his wife over his little reading glasses. “What can Ah do that will really stick it to those mis’able polecats?”
Mary leaned toward him. “Work with the Democrats,” she whispered. Her breath was hot on his elfin ear. Then she nodded once and stood and walked to the door. With her hand on the doorknob, she turned and flashed him that same mischievous smile that had made him fall in love with her almost 50 years before then she opened the door and walked out, closing it behind her. What a woman!
Jeff picked up his phone and speed-dialed Chuck Schumer.
