'My SAHD Husband Won't Keep The House Clean'

Reader Working Mommy writes,

I've been coming home from work this week and the house is trashed and laundry is still not put away.

I'm the sole breadwinner with a husband who stays at home. When we both worked, a large chunk of his salary went to pay for the caregiver who always left the house picked up and did the laundry. I feel like a total jerk asking this, but I often wonder: what does my stay at home partner do all day? If I was a man and my husband was a woman and was the stay at home parent, would I be a jerk for asking this? I have this fear that he is on his phone all day, but I know can't/shouldn't ask that. I miss when we paid a caregiver who picked up the house and did our laundry.

What's a sole breadwinner woman to do? Take a chill pill and be thankful that I have such a loving husband who is great with kids? They are 6, 3, and 20 months. Suck it up and pick up the house myself? Try to make more money and pay someone to pick up/clean the house? Be okay with a cluttered and dirty house? All or none of the above? ;)

Dear WM,

Firstly, I picked the above image because that is what you get when you put "man" and "cleaning" as search terms into a free image site. Basically, what I am trying to say is that a whole (wrong) society is supporting your husband in the (wrong) idea that men don't, and shouldn't, clean their homes, except by rappelling down their faces in a manly show of window washing prowess, maybe. I am not saying that your husband is right in his shirking of cleaning duties, obviously. As you know from reading my blog, I am all about men doing housework, and my husband does housework, which is why he is called "my husband" and not "my ex-husband." But I am asking you to consider some of the following possible options:

1. Your husband may feel emasculated by being a stay at home dad, because society hasn't yet caught up to the fact that gender shouldn't consign one person to working outside the home and the other person to being a stay at home parents. He tells his college buddies that he's a stay at home dad and they wait for the punchline. So his stand (or sit, as it happens) against cleaning is to make himself feel like he hasn't lost his entire male identity along with his paycheck.
2. Your husband may be depressed. That's what I told this guy whose wife "is lazier than a sloth." Being a stay at home parent can make anyone depressed, quite honestly. Hats off to anyone that can do this fulltime. For the others of us, being with small kids 24-7, who bicker and whine like it's their job, is enough to put you into an insane asylum. Also, remember, the moms at playgroup don't hang out and gossip with your husband, most likely. He may feel isolated and dejected, and this manifests in not being able to tear himself away from his phone, like this woman.
3. Your husband isn't the one who chose not to have the cleaning person anymore. You made that choice on your own, due to perfectly reasonable budgetary issues that he equally perfectly reasonably disagrees with. Since it is now "your" money, he feels he has to go along with you on the housekeeper issue, but he is engaging in a silent, and filthy, protest of your unilateral decision-making.
4. He is playing with the kids all day and reading to them and making all their meals and he just can't keep up with the mountain of clutter and dirt that all of this activity leaves in its wake. His heart is in the right place but he is just not one of those people who can clean AND do everything else. He is not Type A, you are. As a couple, you are the gender inverse of this.
5. Your kids are super young and thus super annoying- I mean, super cute but really honestly make messes like it is their job. Cut him some slack because cleaning with a toddler around is kind of like trying to diet on Thanksgiving. Just doesn't work.

So, if you feel that depression and/or emasculation is the issue, try to start that conversation with your husband. Figure out how he truly feels about being a SAHD or if he is SAD about it (ba dum ching). In case you didn't click on the last link I included, take a deep and introspective look at this post about why men criticize their SAHM wives, because it includes many ways for you to reframe your situation. And of course, show him this one about why women who do all the housework don't want sex, for the counterpoint... well not really the counterpoint, but a pretty good point if he does, in fact, like having sex with you. Overall, I think a good compromise would be for you to moderate expectations, taking into account what you may have learned about cleanliness growing up versus what he did, what societal and psychological impact there may be on your husband of being both the SAHD and the SAHhousecleaner (even though you and I both know this shouldn't matter... it does), and how your finances could be tweaked to involve a twice-a-month housecleaner even if you have to forgo cable, new clothes, or eating out for a while.

Best of luck and thanks for writing in! Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Update Me With What You Guys Decide!

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Learn about Dr. Rodman’s private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation, here. Order her books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage, and How To Talk To Your Kids About Your Divorce, here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.