When you marry, you pledge till death do us part. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.
Moving forward, though, something tells us couples are going to include a few “in case of another coronavirus” clauses in their vows.
Below, married men and women share the vows they would have included had they known a global pandemic was on the horizon.
1. “I promise to never loudly shout from the other room ‘Hey Baberaham Lincoln, what sounds good for dinner?’ before confirming you’re not video chatting with your boss.” ― Sarah
2. “I promise to always use deodorant whether I leave the house or not. I promise not to chew or breathe until you are in the safety of another room. I promise not to pretend to be the first victim in the zombie apocalypse and spend 45 minutes trying to eat your brains. I promise not to try and re-create any meals from our favorite restaurants.” ― Josh Wolinsky
3. “Do you promise to go out in the wild to look for toilet paper, no matter what the cost? Do you promise to not walk around naked when there’s a Zoom conference in progress?” ― Lisa
4. “Our marriage vows should have included my husband promising not to eat my secret snack stash. I’m more lovable when I have carbs.” ― Sara
5. “I’m thankful that my wife and I haven’t been forced to test drive ‘or poorer’ yet this year, but ‘for worse’ is doing A LOT of work. I probably should have enumerated ‘in Crocs and sweatpants,’ ‘with kids and dogs EVERYWHERE. ALL. THE. TIME,’ and maybe the whole cutting my own hair thing — just to make it ironclad. This obviously only applies to me; she is perfect.” — Brian Kieffer
6. “Tom, I love you. You’re my best friend. Today I give myself to you in marriage. I promise that I will put the little Post-It on the camera hole as you are walking by only wearing black socks.” ― Lisa
7. “Marriage vows in the future should include things like ‘During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.’” ― Patty B.
8. “I promise not to throw your phone in the toilet when you’re watching stupid Tik Tok videos. I promise not to hide the remote control in the covers on purpose so you never find it. I promise to stand way more than 6 feet away from you when I’m eating my Starburst jelly beans so you can’t share them. I promise to make sure your quarantine honey-do list is no more than five pages long.” — Stacey
9. “I promise to love, cherish and lie to you about your weight gain.” ― Leslie Blanchard
10. “I vow to wear pants without an elastic waist once per week to remind you of the woman I once was. I vow to use no more than 50 percent of our stimulus check to buy dog costumes. I will listen calmly to your bourbon-fueled, paranoid tirade about how Columbia House and BMG Music were defrauding the lower-middle class.” ― Julie Engebretson
11. “I promise to sanitize our groceries every time they get delivered to our door.” ― Cristal
12. “I promise to follow social distancing protocol by skipping all future dinners at your mother’s house.” ― A Bearer Of Dad News
13. “I take thee, to have and to hold, from this day forward, even if we forget what day it is. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, in boxers and in yoga pants. To love and to cherish, till death or thermostat setting do us part.” ― Slade Wentworth
14. “My Melissa, I promise that I will learn how to grocery shop before a global pandemic hits. Apparently the family voted me most expendable, and now I am doing all these trips during quarantine and it is costing us a lot of extra time and money. I’m sorry. And I’m also sorry that I didn’t realize ‘BOGO tomatoes’ wasn’t a type of tomato, but meant ‘Buy One, Get One.’ My bad.” ― Dustin Nickerson
15. “If there’s ever a pandemic, I promise not to get pregnant just because we’re bored.” ― Taylor Calmus
16. “I promise to communicate using words, and not by rage vacuuming around you. When you tell me you’re exhausted of doing the chores, I promise to not brag about feeding the fish. And, when you’re on a work call, I promise children and I will not start singing ‘Into the Unknown.’” ― Vinod Chhaproo
17. “I promise if I ever beg you for a home haircut, we will pretend the result is a masterpiece of Edward Scissorhands’ instead of a victim of Sweeney Todd’s.” ― Courtney Bindl
18. “I vow, ‘till death do us part’ or ‘till quarantine starts.’ Whichever comes first.” ― Mary
19. “I know that couples gain weight over time, but I promise to keep my quarantine fifteen down to a reasonable five. And when we’re allowed back outside, I’ll do my best to exercise it down to a quarantine three, and maybe only go up one jean size.” — Nathan Timmel
20. “Hindsight being 20/20, my wedding vows should’ve said ‘to love, honor, cherish, and only use the ‘social distancing’ excuse once a week.” ― Candy
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