The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant -- but succinct -- wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week's great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I know women lie about their age but I'm gonna start going in the other direction. Impress people with how good I look at 42. I moisturize.
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) February 16, 2016
every time someone finds out I have a diary they ask if I write about them like do you know how self obsessed I am?? I only write about me
— farwz (@farwzaz) February 13, 2016
Just did a survey of my uterus and found the qualifications necessary to be president. They will be shed shortly so vote now.
— roxane gay (@rgay) February 17, 2016
I spritzed myself in the face with rose water and I've reached new levels of hoit and toit.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) February 18, 2016
i just pointed to the hotel gym and said "what is that" and megan said "it's the room where humans test out the machines for hamsters"
— olivia gatwood (@oliviagatwood) February 16, 2016
someone recently asked me how I start my day and I was confused, doesn't everyone start out snapping at everyone and then apologizing later
— Nicole Chung (@nicole_soojung) February 19, 2016
Your weekly reminder that I'm ready when you are @drake
— jamilah aka pepsi (@JamilahLemieux) February 19, 2016
At first I thought this chatty fellow train passenger was off puttingly cynical but now I realize he just harbors major apocalyptic fears.
— Caroline Bologna (@CarolineSB) February 16, 2016
I can imagine nothing more "empowering" than never having to see that word again
— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) February 17, 2016
i like my men like i like my coffee: just kidding i don't like men
— ¯\(◉‿◉)/¯ (@zoejokes) February 17, 2016
I'd rather hear Adele live on a bad day than just about any other pop star live on a good day.
— Amy Odell (@amyodell) February 19, 2016
Bernie's your favorite alt comic who kills with a UCB crowd and Hillary is a solid club headliner still doing three show Saturdays.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) February 17, 2016
Finding a gray hair is like a early-30-something's game of pick-up-sticks.
— Abbi Jacobson (@abbijacobson) February 15, 2016
my dream job is just the job i have now only i somehow acquire the skills and professional footwear to actually excel in it
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) February 16, 2016
i don't understand why ppl use "dessert" as a euphemism for sex. if we go back to ur place "for dessert" & there's no dessert i'll be upset
— didi (@priya_ebooks) February 18, 2016
oh, my blush? it's called "i've had five glasses of wine"
— marissa a. ross (@MarissaARoss) February 18, 2016
I admire people who build their life according to plan. I'm sure my kit didn't come with all the pieces.
— Susan W (@Maxine12333) February 16, 2016
I don't get parents who let their kids win, beating them at games is the only joy I have left.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) February 19, 2016
The Weeknd at Bernie's, where The Weeknd goes to Bernie Sanders' place & they chill & sip mai tais in a jacuzzi
— Julia Bush (@jabush) February 17, 2016
Sometimes I think I am confident but last night I instinctively apologized to stairs so there is still the tiniest bit of room for growth
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) February 19, 2016
Also on HuffPost:
26 Tweets That Speak To The Soul Of Every Wine Lover
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It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
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