Your married friends mean well, setting you up with other single people they know and urging you to cast a wider net. (Little do they know, you currently have 10-plus dating apps downloaded on your phone.)
But let’s just admit it: Couples can be smug as hell toward those not in relationships. Below, 28 tweets that capture the highs and lows (but mostly lows) of being the last single person in your friend group.
My married friends treat my dating life like a fantasy sports league.— Donwill® (@donwill) June 11, 2018
I love when straight friends want to set me up with people who are exactly like me. I’m like lol don’t you know I hate myself.— Jeff Heimbrock (@jheimbrock) June 4, 2018
I’m at that age where my married friends have started sending me holiday cards and news letters and I’m always like “Awwww. That’s so sweet. Thanks for the trash.”— Robi Mahan (@humorandink) March 2, 2019
My friend was trying to set me up on a blind date and he described the girl as being a “tree hugger” & “crunchy”. So I guess I’m going on a blind date with a bag of trail mix.— Dan LaMorte (@DanLaMorte) September 5, 2018
my married friends: "we have a secret word when we want to leave parties like 'sleeve' or something."— Imani Givertz (@ImaniGivertz) March 2, 2019
me: "oh, I'd just be like 'let's leave'"
*faces of shock @ me
Carpe diem: Hang out with your rich married friends before they break up.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 13, 2014
my married friends are obsessed with getting me married and I go along cause clearly its the only interesting part about their dull marriage— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) February 21, 2014
When my friends try to set me up, I feel like they're really saying:— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) June 26, 2017
"I won't fuck them, but maybe you will."
My friend wanted to set me up with a “really short version of Bradley Cooper” Do you know how hard it is for me to get inside a Mini Cooper?— Daniel Franzese (@WhatsupDanny) February 19, 2019
I want all of my married friends to adopt me.— Max Ehrich (@maxehrich) January 13, 2019
MY MOM’S FRIEND JUST TRIED TO SET ME UP WITH HER SON AND THEN GOES “DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BEAR IS?!”— corey kindberg (@coreykindberg) November 25, 2017
Married friend: aw I miss being single. So fun!— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) May 5, 2017
Me: when's the last time you had to try and put sunscreen on your own back?
My married friends keep stealing Beatles songs that I want to walk down the aisle to, so I'll probably be stuck with "I Am the Walrus" :(— lauren caltagirone (@MrsRupertPupkin) October 27, 2010
my last single friend is "accidentally in a relationship now"— 𝘋𝘈𝘙𝘊𝘐𝘌 𝘞𝘐𝘓𝘋𝘌𝘙 (@333333333433333) October 18, 2016
"If you ever feel like a third wheel, stop. You are not a third wheel. You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels."— cat (@catrific) February 21, 2014
I like texting my married friends "Where da hoes at?!" around 9pm, when I know they're trying to put their kids down for the night.— J Lee (@jleefilm) March 31, 2013
Married friend: U really still like being single?— Tamer Kattan (@TamerKattan) February 3, 2017
Me: I had whisky for dinner & cake for breakfast *drops imaginary mic*
The Last Single Person on Facebook is a cute title for a webseries that would be too bleak to endure.— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) September 6, 2016
I satisfy my jealousy by calling my recently married friends at odd hours, hoping I am interrupting the sex.— Sand-d Singh (@Sand_In_Deed) April 25, 2015
TFW you're well past being the last single person among your friends, and starting to wonder if you'll get "lapped" by all their kids, too :P— Evan Blass (@evleaks) November 30, 2018
I packed a full days meal for 4 women at the beach and my friend said I’d make a great mom and then my other friend said actually I’m a trophy wife and then I replied bitch I’m just excellent at being single.— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) August 28, 2018
I'm gonna lie and say all my bruises are from sex to make my married friends jealous.— Riki Lindhome (@rikilindhome) October 8, 2013