Did you know that there are certain dark, decrepit corners of the universe where sad, self-loathing drug-addicts voluntarily turn away from the beneficent wisdom transmitted through the mouth of one Bill O'Reilly?
Not only do these non-Fox News viewers, each and every one of them history's greatest monster, miss out on knowing all the latest things they should be scared of, but many of them actively despise America's single greatest news source.
In an attempt to discover who these people are, and edit interviews with them to ensure they look like morons, O'Reilly sent reporter Jesse Watters out into the liberal stronghold of San Francisco--ground zero for people who would never typically step into the No Spin Zone.
Watters bravely put on his (metaphorical) reporter hat and brought the No Spin Zone here to the Fog City.
"It's a place where liberal people have taken over the world and people can get away with whatever the &#*% they want," said a dude in front of a Haight Street smoke shop, who clearly won the segment with his smirking enthusiasm and ironically racist t-shirt. "Bill O'Reilly you're the man. San Francisco longhairs love you."
"It's the one place in the world where outsiders can be who they are," added one gentleman, followed immediately by clip of comedian Chris Farley doing a "gay voice."
For some reason, even though the camera caught a glimpse of local icon Frank Chu, Watters didn't interview the city's omnipresent protestor. Although he did talk to a lady walking around on the street with a cat on her shoulder, which accomplishes more or less the same thing.
"It's curious that they couldn't find a single person capable of calling out the network for pushing a right-wing agenda to such an extent that Comedy Central devotes an entire half-hour show to ridiculing them for it," noted local blog Uptown Almanac.
This segment isn't the first time Watters has turned his eye to San Francisco. Only days after Obama's election, O'Reilly featured a segment arguing that Obama's ultimate goal was to turn the entire country into this here land. (If, in fact, you pretend the entirety of the city was exactly like the most blighted five blocks of the Tenderloin.)
"Once a working-class town blessed with natural beauty, San Francisco has now embraced a secular liberal culture that is now dominant in city government," said O'Reilly. "The result has been a drastic change on the streets of San Francisco."
Watters told of parents having to constantly step over hypodermic needles and O'Reilly warned against going into public parks after dark. "You wouldn't want to go into the Presidio at night," the host intoned.
In that, he's right. You don't want to go into the Presidio at night. Unless you want to eat foie gras. Or see hella raccoons!
While the next city in O'Reilly's not-at-all-sad-and-insecure series trying to figure out why people don't like him is Cambride, Mass., we hope that he comes back to San Francisco the next time he's feeling down in the dumps.
Even though the host once said that he hopes Al Qaeda blows us to smithereens, we pride ourselves on being forgiving and tolerant.
Also, we're really, really good at giving hugs.
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