It was all a cover: The reality TV show. The bimbos and bankruptcies. The bad comb over. It was all designed to distract from the truth: that Donald Trump, playboy billionaire, is in fact the masked vigilante known as Batman! Let us join the Caped Crusader in his secret, underground batcave several months ago:
"Here is the file you requested on El Chapo, sir," Alfred, his loyal butler, said.
"Thank you, Alfred." Batman studied the file. "Hmmm, El Chapo's incarcerated in a maximum-security prison in Mexico. We'll have to dig a tunnel and help him escape."
Alfred raised one quizzical eyebrow. "Excuse me, sir?"
"We'll implant a battracker under his skin and trace him back to his drug cartel," Batman explained. "We'll use him to bring down his whole rotten syndicate!"
"Brilliant, sir!" Alfred exclaimed. "Why didn't I think of that?"
Batman chuckled. "Well, they don't call me the world's greatest detective for nothing."
Suddenly, the batphone rang. Alfred answered it. "It's Police Commissioner Gordon, sir," he said, covering the receiver. "Are you in?"
Batman took the phone from Alfred. "What is it this time, Commissioner -- the Riddler? The Penguin?"
"Worse," Gordon said. "It's Hillary Clinton. She's running for president!"
"Clinton?" Batman said. "I thought the Benghazi affair had destroyed her."
"Somehow she managed to survive," Gordon said. "She's got more political lives than Catwoman!"
Batman frowned. "Well, what do you want me to do about it? I know you're a Republican, but politics is a little out of my line of work."
"There's more, but I can't tell you over the phone. Meet me at the usual place at midnight and we'll discuss it." Gordon hung up abruptly.
That was odd, Batman thought. What was so secret that Gordon couldn't communicate it to him even over the secure batphone? Well, he would have to discover the answer to that mystery in person. "Alfred, I'm going out," he said decisively. "Get to work on that escape tunnel."
"Right away, sir," Alfred said, and went to look for a shovel.
***
A deserted rooftop somewhere in Gotham City. Police Commissioner Gordon nervously paced back and forth next to a giant search light with the Batman insignia on it. Suddenly, as silent as a ninja, the Caped Crusader materialized out of the darkness.
"So what was so secret that you couldn't tell me over the phone?"
"Have you noticed anything peculiar about the Republican presidential candidates this year?" Gordon said.
"Other than there seems to be an inordinately large number of them, no," Batman said. "Like I said, I don't pay much attention to politics."
"They're all clowns," Gordon said. "A libertarian clown, a Tea Party clown, a Christian fundamentalist clown, a neocon clown. Does that suggest anything to you?"
"You don't mean...?"
"Yes, I do," Gordon said grimly. "The Republican party has been taken over by the Joker."
The Joker! The archfiend that had murdered his parents and forced him into a life of crime-fighting and real-estate development. "I always thought Reince Priebus sounded like a made-up name. But how can you be sure?"
"I can't. But we can't take any chances. Imagine if that maniac got his purple gloves on the nuclear launch codes. That's where you come in. You're close friends with Donald Trump, aren't you?"
"We've met," Batman said cautiously. As always, he wondered if Gordon knew about his secret identity. Gordon never asked directly, and Batman never volunteered the information.
"Do you think you might be able to get him to run for president as a Republican?"
"I might. I see where you're going with this. Trump goes undercover as a Republican presidential candidate, and flushes out the Joker, if he's involved."
"It won't be easy standing out in that clown car," Gordon warned. "Trump's campaign would have to be especially absurd."
"Leave it up to me," Batman said. "Trump will make Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus look like a broken-down sideshow. I'll have him make racist and sexist remarks, attack journalists, cheap shot fellow Republicans. He may even resurrect Sarah Palin's political career."
"No!" Gordon exclaimed. "That's going too far!"
But the Dark Knight was adamant. "I'll destroy the whole Republican party, if I have to, to get my batgloves on the Clown Prince of Crime!"
Pulling a batgrappler from his utility belt, he shot a line to the adjoining building, then swung away into the darkness. El Chapo would have to wait. This was far more important. He wondered if Alfred knew anything about writing press releases.
Police Commissioner Gordon watched him go. "I know you will, old friend," he said to himself after Batman had disappeared, "I know you will." He tugged at the side of his neck. Then he pulled off his rubber facemask to reveal the hideous grinning visage of -- Bill Clinton!
"Why so serious?" the former president and future first gentleman said. "Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!"