The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Aug. 26 - Sept. 1)

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 1, 2023

You may not think I am a woman of great strength of character, but I told my 2yo last night that he couldn't have any more cookies, and he looked me in the eye, bent down and LICKED a cookie on the serving plate in an act of claim-staking defilement and I DID NOT LAUGH

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 27, 2023

My grandfather fought in a world war and my five year old asks me to come to the bathroom with him to hold his nose so he doesn’t have to smell it when he poops.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 30, 2023

No one laughs or even smiles when I sing “Lord I was born a scramblin’ man” every time I make eggs but that’s the dad life, baby.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 27, 2023

Other mom at bus stop: last day of school before Labor Day break, can you believe it!

Me, just now learning there’s no school tomorrow: No, not at all, how fun

— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) August 31, 2023

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 29, 2023

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn't question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

— bobby (@bobby) August 26, 2023

Saw the baby talking to the air so I'm immediately moving and leaving her behind. I've seen this movie before

— Trey (@treydayway) August 30, 2023

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) August 26, 2023

I’m producing a parenting song called everyone ignores me until they want something.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) August 31, 2023

I love when families have one or a few standardly named children and one totally out-there-named child and you're just like....what happened here

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 31, 2023

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 28, 2023

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 29, 2023

Me: *having a heartfelt moment with my child*

My child: Can I have a snack?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 31, 2023

Don't mind me, just refinancing my house so my kids can go to the pumpkin patch.

— Brock (@Brock_Teee) August 28, 2023

A heist movie, but instead of navigating lasers and speeding trains, the hero has to remove the lanyard from a pacifier in a sleeping baby's mouth without waking the baby

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 30, 2023

I spent months planning this road trip down to the last detail. Husband spots a candy store. Boom he’s the hero of this story.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 26, 2023

I woke up my kid for her first day of school and she rolled over in bed to face me, a smile slowly spread across her face and then a fart ripped at full volume under the covers.

“I’m so excited I farted.”

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 28, 2023

Have kids so that it can be your fault a 2 hour movie they want to see can't be watched in 30 minutes.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 28, 2023

When my kid asks why I was so loud in the morning because it woke her up, I explain this is passed down from generation to generation

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 28, 2023

I asked 7 if she was ready for second grade and she said that second grade better be ready for her.

— Marissa 💚🍃💛 (@michimama75) August 28, 2023