Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
You think you’re going to be the most patient, grounded, and accommodating parent ever, but then your kid asks you the same question at increasing volume 500 times in a row and you find yourself questioning the very fabric of reality.— The Mom at Law (@TheMomAtLaw) March 29, 2019
Think you’re laid back and easygoing? Let a toddler pour their own drink.— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) March 26, 2019
Kids have a way of making you experience your youth all over again.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 26, 2019
Like when I'm watching my 3 year-old take an hour to eat a banana, I think back to my younger years without kids.
Parenthood is just buying cereal & crackers until you die.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 24, 2019
An hour into day one and I was already wondering how we were going to make it out of spring break alive.— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) March 25, 2019
Then my kid found a recorder and I know.
One day my kids will be grateful they have a mom who woke them up by blasting "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" at 6:45AM to kick off a dance party with her sweet, sweet moves, but apparently today is not that day.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 27, 2019
“Mommy, theses little nerf guns don’t shoot very far”— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) March 27, 2019
Me, turning around to see an entire box of tampons deployed: WHAT
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 28, 2019
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I don’t know why there’s mercury in gatorade or how that has any impact on my life but a mom at the school pick up line said I could blame all my problems on it and honestly I’ve never been more relieved.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 28, 2019
Last night my daughter informed me that I'm a "watermelon princess". Not really sure what that means, but it's going on my resume.— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) March 26, 2019
Tattoo Artist: So why April 14, 2007? Birth of your first child?— EdelBrice 🥨 (@StranDadAbroad) March 28, 2019
Me: Haha no...the day before.
I'm not sure what I'll do when my kids are smart enough to understand that Nickelodeon doesn't stop working when the game is on.— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) March 23, 2019
Instead of saying, “Good night, mommy,” my kid said, “Rest in peace, mommy,” and now I’m a little afraid to go to sleep.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 25, 2019
Me: How was school?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2019
6-year-old: There weren't any horses.
Me: Were there supposed to be horses?
6: If I had my way.
I sent my 1yo to get me toilet paper and she came back with a mask and a cape. I don't think she understands the severity of this situation, or maybe she does...— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 28, 2019
Life before kids: I run on adrenaline and caffeine.— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) March 27, 2019
Life when you have a teen boy: This household and my sanity are barely held together with Clorox disinfecting wipes and Gatorade.
5 min: we’re leaving soon. Is everyone ready?— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 25, 2019
3 min: get everything you need!
0 min: let’s go.
Kid 1: where’s bun-bun!!!
Kid 2: I can’t find my shoes!
Kid 3: ** explosive diarrhea **
No one:— Your Mom. (@modernmomese) March 28, 2019
My toddler with eyes still closed at 5:45am:
“I want some donuts”
Turn box upside-down.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 29, 2019
Rip apart box.
Shoot contents across kitchen while tearing bag wide open.
Pour half of contents in bowl, half on the table/floor.
Leave only 5 pieces in bag.
Do not close bag.
Put box back in cabinet.
- if kids wrote cereal instructions
Friend: I’m training for a half marathon, have 3 toddlers at home, I’m an award winning attorney, and just finished a Whole30.— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) March 27, 2019
Me: Cool cool cool. Sometimes I don’t repackage the meat before I put it in the freezer, because it’s too much work.