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My toddler just threw herself on the floor and started crying, and I’m like, “girl, same.”— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) October 25, 2020
NASA: *finds water in the moon— Dave Ween (@pittdave13) October 27, 2020
My kids: that’s my water bottle I’m saving it for later
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 27, 2020
I have discovered a fossilized dinosaur chicken nugget under my oven— 🎃 mom mom mom mom mom 🎃 (@notmythirdrodeo) October 27, 2020
*adds archeologist to my resume
KID 911: wats ur emergency— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) October 28, 2020
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[Halloween store]— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 28, 2020
Me: Store security stopped me
Me: They thought I was stealing a Sexy Dad costume.
Wife: Oh for fuck's sake
Today my son’s whole zoom class overheard me screaming “ALEXA! STOP IT!” in the background. In my defense I was saying “Play Beastie Boys” and she launched into “Barbara Ann” 3 times.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) October 24, 2020
4-year-old: Can I have scissors?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2020
Me: For what?
4: Not cutting my hair.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 25, 2020
Me: Guys listen to me— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 26, 2020
Me: Oh I didn’t expect you to answer and now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say
Took my headphones off just in time to overhear my 10 year-old tell her therapist "he's one of my nemeses" so I feel like my job is done here, well done me— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) October 26, 2020
i've been having little serious conversations with my 3 year old and a few weeks ago i explained that our food becomes poo which he thought was hysterical— the monster nash™ (@itsnashflynn) October 28, 2020
but i just now discovered i did not explain this process very well and he thought making poo was his personal special power
If a parent watches their child in a forest and no one is around to hear them, are they still screaming?— Dad on my Feet (@dad_on_my_feet) October 25, 2020
Had to explain to my toddler why his 13yo cousin has changed lately, now when he sees someone upset or crying he goes “puberty?”— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 27, 2020
sleep deprived and doubled over on the counter desperate for the coffee to brew faster when I hear that sweet voice utter those dreaded words:— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 28, 2020
“mommy, why are guinea pigs named guinea pigs?”
Parenting involves a lot more sighing than I expected.— The Dad (@thedad) October 29, 2020
I’m very certain that my kids will be late to school, even if they lived inside the school— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 28, 2020
Ugh need help with Math(s) please.— 👻 (Andi) Smile and Nod 👻 (@AndLookPretty) October 27, 2020
If there are two teenagers in the house, each with three electronic devices, how many charging cords do you need to purchase each week?
"Mommy, does your car need gas?"— Marl (@Marlebean) October 26, 2020
I don't kn.. (he farts on me and runs away)
Kids grow up so fast. One day you’re giving them a fun piggy back, the next you realise too late that it’s an incredibly effective choke hold— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) October 25, 2020
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) October 24, 2020
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My daughter just told me that my singing sounds like “when our cat was killed” but we’ve never ever owned a cat— Jonesy the Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) October 24, 2020