Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My daughter gave me a tiny leaf as a present three days ago and now she wants to know where it is. Pray for me
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) July 31, 2022
5 was in bed for a while then she yelled “mummy come here” and I yelled back “why?” then she yelled “I haven’t thought of a reason yet”
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 3, 2022
I asked my 11 yo to help me write my vacation away message, and she suggested “I AM ON VACATION SO YOUR EMAIL WILL BE DELETED”
— Kristen Bottema-Beutel (@KristenBott) August 2, 2022
My kid really doesn’t like being called a liar. Especially when he’s lying.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 3, 2022
Has anyone successfully transferred a sleeping baby from a stroller to their crib? or y’all just put the whole stroller in the crib or what!? 😩 😩
— Liz Jenkins (@ej11lizzie) August 3, 2022
so glad I’m not repeating my parents mistakes. but I am making a whole bunch of fun new ones
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 2, 2022
Thrilled to announce that instead of saying “What are you doing?” my 2-year-old child goes around asking, in a tiny haunting voice, “What have you done?”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 30, 2022
*daughter writes note* your the worst mom ever
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 4, 2022
Me: it’s *you’re*
My 7yo didn’t want to eat at a particular restaurant because she didn’t want to eat outside. I told her we’d be eating inside the building. She then argued that buildings are technically outside.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 1, 2022
She is now my attorney.
I choked on some water earlier and during my coughing fit, my 4yo asked me to be quiet so he could hear the tv. It’s safe to say I should start saving for a nursing home now.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 4, 2022
My daughter told me that she won't be having kids because she feels like she'd end up with one like my son who is trying to lick his elbow right now
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) August 1, 2022
Watching a documentary on Ancient Egypt when my 5 y/o stops in front of the TV, drops her jaw and says, “THEY WROTE ON WALLS? You’re not supposed to write on walls!”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 4, 2022
went out to eat with the family and my nine year old ate an entire 1/2 lb kobe burger when i say i miss when they were little i mean i miss being able to afford feeding them
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 30, 2022
Working from home while your kids are home is like trying to read a book at a Metallica concert.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) August 4, 2022
79% of parenting during summer is asking kids to close the doors
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 3, 2022
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo's restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She's causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it's crazy. I'm trying my best not to get involved in this.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 3, 2022
(my 5-year-old daughter does a cartwheel)
— Marla Cáceres (@MarlaCaceres) August 2, 2022
Me: That was great! Do you want to try gymnastics classes? Or dance? You get to wear fun costumes and do shows.
Her: No. I want to be a normal person and do nothing.
My toddler got a hold of the markers. I caught her red handed. Purple handed, too.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 1, 2022
Taking a vacation with family is like having major surgery; I'm going to need at least 2-3 weeks of recovery.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 4, 2022
My 6yo knows she'll get in trouble if she curses at her big brother so she's been making up insults instead. She just called him a "cuntstehpaw" and how am I supposed to do this with a straight face.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 1, 2022
good morning i woke up with the mickey mouse clubhouse song stuck in my head. i haven't had toddlers for years. so that's the bad news i have for toddler parents today.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 1, 2022
Robber *breaks into my home: Give me all your money!
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) August 4, 2022
Me *laughing: Listen buddy you've got to do better, I have kids who ask me that all the time.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
— MommyCocktail (@MommyCocktail) August 5, 2022
How’s your morning?
I’m in Target alone without my kids and I might as well be in Bora Bora.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) August 1, 2022
Who wants to tell my kid just because she circles something in a catalog that doesn’t mean she gets it?
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) August 1, 2022
NOT IT.
I used to believe there were certain underlying truths in life, but my 11yo told me my Mac and Cheese tonight was “too cheesy” so now I’m questioning everything
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) August 2, 2022
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