No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 28, 2018
i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) January 9, 2018
I don’t watch awards shows because I’m a parent and all my leisure time is spent trying to get children to brush their teeth.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 8, 2018
I'm sorry fitness experts, but there is no better strength test than trying to put a coat and pair of shoes on a toddler.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) January 8, 2018
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) April 17, 2018
Me: What did you do at school today?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
“Now?!”— A Very TheAlexNevil Christmas (@TheAlexNevil) January 5, 2018
-kids, to almost everything
My inbox was full of "This is your VERY LAST chance!" sales right before Xmas, but now here we are many weeks later and they are like "Good news, one more chance!"— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) January 16, 2018
Which is pretty much exactly how I discipline my kids.
Everything I Own Has Been Peed On: A Parenting Memoir— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 24, 2018
only I can understand my kid. she’s like “BDIDKDKODKDHJXUDHEJSLOSJDHDUSJMSOZUZUSJSIXOJ” and I’m like “ok I will get you a piece of sausage in just a minute”— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 27, 2018
You're going to miss this, I whisper to myself as I'm shot in the butt with a nerf gun while unclogging the toilet.— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) January 26, 2018
We could live INSIDE THE SCHOOL BUS and my son would still find a way to make us late for it every day.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 22, 2018
Every picture I have of my two-year-old is of him walking towards the camera asking if he can see the picture— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) January 31, 2018
Kids before school: No! I don't want to go to school.— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) February 5, 2018
Kids after school: Let's play school.
2yo referred to her coat pockets as "snack holes" and this is what I shall forever call them— Rebecca Caprara (@RebeccaCaprara) February 23, 2018
80% of my time walking places with my kids is spent waiting for them to balance on things.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 5, 2018
Good day to everyone except the person who designed footie pajamas for potty-training toddlers.— SammichesPsychMeds (@SamPsychMeds) March 20, 2018
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 18, 2018
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) March 19, 2018
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 18, 2018
Me: “Don’t do that!”— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) April 11, 2018
My kid: “Sorry..”
Narrator: *But she wasn’t sorry, not one little bit*
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to let them in the car ever again after vacuuming it for two hours.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 2, 2018
"Parenting" is calmly explaining to a crying toddler that their head is still attached to their body after they put on their shirt by themselves for the first time.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) May 14, 2018
A law degree wouldn't help you win an argument with a toddler that a purple crayon is not green.— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 27, 2018
Like a moth to a flame except it’s all 3 of my children and it’s me in the bathroom.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) April 30, 2018
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 5, 2018
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
90% of parenting is asking, "Did you _?" when you know damned well that they didn't.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 23, 2018
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) December 6, 2018
My three year old’s bowling ball has been making its way down the lane for six days. How is your summer going.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 23, 2018
Only some things are guaranteed in life; taxes, death, and a toddler who demands more french fries before even finishing the ones he has.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 11, 2018
toddler: I’m really high— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 11, 2018
me: He means tall
My husband told me that one day our children will read my tweets.— InsoMOMniac (@insoMOMniac) July 12, 2018
Thank goodness, because this is the closest thing to a baby book I’ve done.
The word “precocious” would be completely unnecessary if people got over their squeamishness about calling children assholes.— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 28, 2018
In parenting, there are few non life-threatening situations more anxiety-inducing than watching a tiny human crack an egg.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) September 4, 2018
*observing my daughter in preschool*— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 6, 2018
Me: Ok, but how do you get her to just sit there and listen?
Teacher: We practice patience and teach them to do the same.
Me: Right, right. But, like, what bribes are you using?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.— The Baron (@baronvonbike) August 17, 2018
Naked and Afraid, but it’s just parents getting out of the shower after leaving their kids unsupervised for a few minutes.— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 20, 2018
Daytime parenting: strict screen time limits. 1hr only. Child must earn it.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 22, 2018
5am parenting (hands 4yo iPad): take this so I can sleep.
My 8yo: I don't like movies - they're too long— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 31, 2018
Also my 8yo: *watches 2-hr long Minecraft YouTube video without budging
I like to let my kid eat at his own pace, but this morning he spent 10 minutes just holding a muffin like he was the Statute of Liberty.— dadpression (@Dadpression) August 27, 2018
Nothing says “I’ve got this parenting thing under control!” like using my son’s last juice box as a mixer.— 🎄Sarcastic Mommy🎄 (@sarcasticmommy4) September 10, 2018
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) October 8, 2018
Friend: what’s it like having kids?— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) December 10, 2018
Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.
Friend: that’s not so bad.
Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) November 30, 2018
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.— The Mom at Law (@TheMomAtLaw) November 7, 2018
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.— Micah (@ParentalGrit) October 29, 2018
I just got out of the shower and my baby started screaming. I was confused until I realized he probably doesn’t recognize me with clean hair.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 24, 2018
Ok, FitBit - if you’re not going to count tantrum-holding my toddler up the street for 15 mins or wrestling him into his car seat as exercise, then I’m not going to count my daily breakfast of toddler bread crusts or my nightly extra glass of wine as calories, either.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets 🤶🏻🎅🏻🎄 (@gfishandnuggets) October 18, 2018