WASHINGTON, D.C. - After months of hearing skeptics doubt him, Senator Max Baucus (D - Lobtana) today achieved his goal of presenting a health care reform bill that 'threaded the needle' of achieving full support from both major political parties - the drug company lobby and the insurance industry lobby.
Baucus was hiding in his office behind a large pile of money and not available for an interview but issued the following written statement...
I can proudly say that I have managed to create a bill with no widespread support from Republicans, Democrats, Independents, or the people of Montana. My bill also does nothing to advance either health or care or reform. Also, my bill is very boring to read and has no pictures or pop-ups. However, it seems to have made the health insurance and drug lobbyists happy since they have told me that I can take the week off from fellating them.
Media reaction has been predictably positive. Spokespeople from major television networks have stated that the Baucus plan will keep them selling commercial air time 'forever'. An extra provision in the Baucus plan would not only fine Americans for not buying health insurance but would also fine them trying to skip Viagra commercials with their TiVo.
White House reaction to the Baucus plan was mild considering that Baucus's plan is pure, condensed evil. President Obama pledged to go on as many TV shows as possible, not to ever mention that Senator Baucus was embarrassingly corrupt and hoped his natural charm would make viewers forget that he'd promised to fight against lobbyists.
Viewers were expected to buy it.