Once upon a time, God created a mini-me and named him Kanye West. He was the most exquisite, impeccable, rational, well-spoken, calm, talented and humble creature to have ever roamed the earth.
In mini-God fashion, Kanye exhibited supernatural powers exceeding well beyond your wildest imagination. He not only dominated the music world, but ruled everything fashion and art related as well. Wherever he went, the common people rose (even those who could not normally use their legs) and bowed their heads in his presence. All the other musicians disappeared because they were no longer needed. "I am Axl Rose, I am Jim Morrison, I am Jimi Hendrix" he once shouted to his followers.
Anyway, one day, Kanye was feeling extra charitable and decided he wanted to collaborate with one chosen common person. He found an unknown, random dude by the name of Sir Paul McCartney and in no time, they recorded a single titled "Only One" together. Well, you can imagine what happened next... Break the internet, round 2 occurred.
The people in TwitterLand were confused and there was a lot of ruckus: "Who tf [that means the fuck] is Paul McCartney???!!??! This is why I love Kanye for shedding light on unknown artists" said @CurvedDaily. Another fan, @BaeAsHell exclaimed, "Who is this Paul McCartney??!! He boutta blow up thanks to Kanye."
The common people were so impressed with Kanye for his good deed. They were in a frenzy that this basic person, Sir Paul McCartney, now had an amazing career opportunity ahead of him.
All of Kanye's followers cheered and this pleased him very much. Although quite exhausted, he was happy that his miracle work was done and he could get back to more important matters, such as breaking the code to alleviate his "...greatest pain in life, that [he] will never get to see [himself] perform live."
Well, I guess it didn't happen exactly like that, but you get the picture. So what's the moral of the story? Paul McCartney is only a living legend and people were outraged a few weeks ago by idiotic tweets giving praise to Kanye for discovering just one of the (cough, cough) BEATLES....
Other questions in the category of "Who is Sir Paul McCartney" might include: 1.) Who is this George Washington character on my dollar bills, yo? And 2.) What exactly is all that blue stuff above me when I step outside and look up? The McCartney question is as outrageous as Kanye himself and I might add, pretty damn entertaining.
But here's the deal, as you may already know. There has been some debate about these unforgivable tweets. Are Kanye fans that out of touch? Or, is it possible that they are actually capable of such sarcastic humor?
I believe it is a combination of the two. People feign for followers and some of these tweeters actually got internet famous overnight for their idiotic 140 characters praising Kanye for his "discovery." On the other hand, I worked with teenagers this summer and my personal inside scoop is that the majority of them knew nothing about music outside of their generation's realm. They did shock me once though, and that was when they started belting out lyrics on the radio to "Don't You Forget About Me," by Simple Minds. However, I quickly learned it was only because they all had seen the movie The Breakfast Club. Good enough reason, I guess.
So, for all you tweens and teens and people who live under rocks in general, just in case Kanye decides to do any more collaborating with old white dudes in the future, I've put together a little cheat sheet for you.
A Quick Guide to Living Legends/Icons for Kanye West Fans:
1.) David Gilmore: Of Pink Floyd, a pretty psychedelic band. If you have the cool The Dark Side of the Moon T-shirt, you should probably know who's in that band. You might know "Wish You Were Here" or "Another Brick In The Wall" (Lyrics include: We don't need no education. We don't need no thought control). Google also: Pink Floyd and The Wizard of Oz, while you're at it. Whoa... trippy.
2.) Eric Clapton: English dude, singer-songwriter. Pretty normal guy, except for the fact that he's just one of the best guitarists of all time (if you care about musicians who play actual instruments). Look up: "Layla," "Cocaine" and of course his cover of Bob Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff."
3.) Billy Joel: Aka: The "Piano Man." This guy's songs are catchy and on the radio alllll the time. You've probably heard: "Only the Good Die Young" and "Uptown Girl." Bonus: if you want a quick history lesson from 1949 to the 1980s all wrapped up in one song, listen to "We Didn't Start The Fire," it's sort of like white man rap.
4.) David Bowie: Aka: Ziggy Stardust and the creepy goblin king in the movie Labyrinth. Bowie defined glam rock and pushed the envelope with some of the best hair and make-up of the 70's and 80's. Listen to: "Fame," "Modern Love," "Let's Dance," "Golden Years," and "Young American" for a good time.
5.) Elton John: Aka: The "Rocketman." He's the one with the kick ass piano skills. Also famous for his fabulous collection of oversized, funky sunglasses, outrageously flamboyant costumes and heels, oh my... You might have heard: "Bennie and the Jets," "Tiny Dancer" and "Candle In The Wind." See also: Elton's collaboration with Eminem a few years back. (Yes, he's that cool).
6.) Mick Jagger: Of The Rolling Stones. You know that T-shirt as well because they sell it at Urban Outfitters. It's the one with the tongue. No one dances like this guy, his stage presence is ridiculously charismatic and he has a major 'tude. Signature song: I Can't Get No Satisfaction. If you didn't already know him you probably did after hearing "Moves Like Jagger," by Maroon Five. But that's like knowing Paul McCartney only because of Kanye West. #FauxPaux
7.) Bob Dylan: Folk rock singer-songwriter from the 60's. His voice is definitely an acquired taste but he's a mastermind story-teller and poet extraordinaire. Dylan wrote thousands of songs that chronicled social issues like war, civil rights, etc. Listen to: "Like a Rolling Stone," "Mr. Tambourine Man," and "Hurricane." This guy also plays a mean harmonica... while playing the guitar.
8.) Robert Plant: You may have heard of Led Zeppelin?? They are kind of a big deal. He's the lead singer and songwriter and he's pretty much rock and roll whether you like it or not. Listen to: everything. That's all.
Reader warning: This is just a sample list of musicians who are currently alive. As we all know, Kanye has claimed he is a God, so I cannot be responsible for anyone he chooses to bring back from the dead and collaborate with.
If this concerns you, see also: Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Johnny Cash, Tupac, Whitney Houston, Marvin Gaye, Jerry Garcia, Barry White and Lou Reed to name a few.
Oh, and Mr. West if you are reading this and planning on bringing back anyone, I am putting in a personal request for Elvis. xoxo