Once you’re married, you’re able to predict your spouse’s behavior with a comical level of accuracy.
You know that when you go out to eat, your spouse is always going to have a minimum of eight questions about the menu for the waiter. You know that you cannot change the thermostat 2 degrees without your hawk-eyed husband calling you out. And without fail, any time you go to the movies, your wife will swear up and down that she doesn’t want any popcorn — and then eat half of yours.
Below, we’ve gathered 30 tweets about married life that are as hilarious as they are relatable.
Marriage is an endless cycle of love, trying to understand each other, and seeing who can withstand the overflowing trash cans longer.— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) May 1, 2019
I was almost finished pressure washing the back patio but then my wife asked me to show her the part I think is done.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 5, 2019
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 1, 2019
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 18, 2019
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me:— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) May 5, 2019
Wife: Can you...
Husband: You know those times when you just don't feel like eating?— notmuchofa housewife (@notmuchofahw) May 8, 2019
Me: is the fish fishy?— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 5, 2019
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) May 11, 2019
I’m starting to wonder if my husband never picks up his crap just so he can see me bending over more often— Friney (@dimplesticks) May 13, 2019
I just found out that my husband fills the dog's water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge's water purifier feature.— Samantha Joel (@datingdecisions) May 7, 2019
"She'd do the same for me", he said.
Wife: You are a royal pain in the ass.— Prime Nate (@GorillaNipples1) May 15, 2019
Me: Please address me as ‘Your Majesty’ then.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out she talks during your favorite tv show.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) May 13, 2019
- my husband, if he tweeted, probably
Get married and spend the rest of your lives trying to figure out what to do with your arms while you sleep.— Aunt ‘Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) May 17, 2019
Married sex is wanting to have sex all day and then falling asleep right before you get the chance because you're tired.— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 12, 2019
Went the extra mile for my wife today by letting the Uncrustable defrost before serving it to her.— the drake snaccsby 🦑 (@DrakeGatsby) May 12, 2019
Levels of Husbanding - Grocery Store Edition— Sugarballs TinkyWinky (@c12h22o11balls) May 13, 2019
1. Waits in car while wife “runs in”
2. Allowed inside to push the cart
3. Can choose gluten-free snacks for kids lunches
4. Consulted on which is the perfect carton of eggs
5. Trusted to select the freshest *insert produce name*
My wife’s brain: Everything we have to do in the next 4 months, the planning we need to do for it, meal planning, a grocery list, a Target list, work, kids, house, other things I can’t even think of.— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) May 16, 2019
My brain: Pizza. Literally just pizza.
"I don't want popcorn"— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 11, 2019
- My wife, who's about to eat half my popcorn during this movie
He brings an extra phone charger when we travel, knowing I’ll forget to bring my own.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) May 11, 2019
- reason #342,736 that I’m happy I married him
Me: We have to leave for dinner in 5 minutes, are you ready?— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 11, 2019
Husband, in stained cargos and old holey t-shirt: YUP! *begins repainting front porch*
Me: I don't know if I should wear my black leggings or....— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 19, 2019
Husband: ...or your blacker leggings?
He gets me
Sometimes I like to ask my husband if he notices anything different about me just to watch him panic and lie.— Trophy Wife 🏆 (@DaynaSD) May 3, 2019
Yard work with the Wife. Can you prepay for marriage counseling?— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) May 5, 2019
"You don't load the dishwasher right," I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 6, 2019
[in bed]— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 8, 2019
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey...
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Just said something to the wife about the thermostat like some husband who hasn’t already learned his lesson...— [crockett] (@CrockettsBeard) May 15, 2019
And do you Rebecca take Mitch to be your husband, in sickness or in health, for richer or poorer, even if he doesn’t do a “thorough” job of wiping down surfaces, as long as you both shall live?— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) May 13, 2019
- how wedding vows should be, probably
Marriage is all about the little things...— Incognito AF (@incognitoaf19) May 16, 2019
.... that you need to try to ignore so you can stay married
79% of marriage is all about texting each other the shared password— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 3, 2019